March 31, 2005

Remote Dorkus Blogorama #2

Well Microsoft has set up a cyber cafe on the exhibition floor, but my meddleome boss is standing over my shoulder. More later.

Posted by Spicolli' at 12:39 PM

March 30, 2005

Remote Dorkus Blogorama

I'm sitting in the business center of the hotel I'm staying at cursing the fact that I didn't bring a laptop. It's been a long day. I'll see if I can cadge access somewhere at the Techshow, because this is costing me some dough. What really sucks is that it isn't even very good. I need to get some sleep to put together all of the fun of spending a day cooped up with my boss into something like a worthwhile blog entry.

Posted by Spicolli' at 10:21 PM

Reese Presents: I Ain't Going Out Like That!

My brother sent me an article which prompted a whole new feature idea for PP.Com... "I ain't going out like that!" will show articles on death notes that I (and many others) would probably prefer not to exit this world on.

Tractor driver suffocates to death under pile of manure
Yes, this is not how *I* want to go! I'm thinking somewhere along the lines of 30,000 foot drop from an airplane into an orphanage with a bomb strapped to my abdomen... now THAT'S how I'd like to go.

Posted by Reese at 8:18 AM

March 29, 2005

Outta Town!

Tomorrow I will be heading to Chicago for the ABA Techshow. Should be interesting. Me my bosses, salesmen and legal tech geeks.

Hope to blog from the proceedings.

I'm still at the internet cafe. The kids are starting to make sense to me. The hot stupid smoking chick story, the Japanese culture references, the idealistic non-partisan freethinking. I feel the layers of cynicism closing in on me like so much shrink wrap. I think to myself "damnit, those shirts aren't going to fold themselves and there is a bottle of Heinie left in the fridge," yet I can't stop typing.

Hopefully, some of the fruits of this weird process will be blogged from Chi-town.

Posted by Spicolli' at 10:31 PM | Comments (1)

Write your own Bushism # 7

From the Luxemburg website:

With strong commitment and good planning we have created a growing community that allows you to raise your family in a secure environment with good moral values.

Posted by Spicolli' at 10:21 PM

Fritos, Beef Jerky and Peeps

My mom sent me a care package for Easter. It consisted of a Fritos, preserved meats and Peeps. I got a note in my mailbox to pick it up last week Wednesday and picked it up Friday. This is the most subtle and possibly the most effective part to date of their efforts to get me to move back. There is a place in my home town, Salmon's Meats, that makes contented cows into delicious jerky using both 'spices' and 'flavorings.' Cool beans. The flavor of this stuff was like Proust's Madelines. I spent the morning of Good Friday picking this package up from the post office, then went to an eye doctor appointment full of meat. I need a stronger prescription. I texted my F.B. on the bus home to see about later that day. I proceeded to eat more meat and some beer and was transported to my parent's basement. I was very happy. I vowed that after my F.B. left I would get my resume in order and send it out to at least 5 people--- after editing the tape of the concierge's wedding. Then I took a nap as I hadn't heard from the F.B. I wake up and the F.B. tells me he's working till 7. I schlep to the gym and exchange some text. I leave a voice message with another F.B. to see about a M.Á.T. I shower and find some chocolate in the fridge start melting it in case the F.B. wants some. The F.B. arrives and yadda, yadda, yadda I'm ready for bed.

On Saturday I head up to the office. I eat at the former T.G.I.F in the building and the wait staff has me outnumbered 5-to-1. Also, I witness the partial de-tchotchke-fication of the joint. I ask if I can have one of the tubas on the wall and am informed that they are spoken for. I transfer part of the wedding to the computer and encounter some errors. Check my e-mail and read my blogs, write a bitter, oblique account of Friday night and go home.

Sunday I sleep in. I had this weird dream, it was a behind the scenes documentary about a Stanley Kubrick adaptation of a Martin Amis novel. For some reason the character was John Self, but it wasn't Money. Anyway the sets were incredible. It was this lived in ultra-modern, probably inspired by all of the modern home stuff I read. Their was this lighting system of lit, colored, vinyl tubes that could be lowered for effect. I saw something that looked like it on a modern site today and it freaked me out.

But I digress. I transfered more of the wedding. I went to the former Fridays for lunch and went over to Borders where I split my pants and bought a fitness book. Went to Kmart to get new, huge pants. Checked my e-mail and my blogs and was ready to go home again. I walked outside and it was something like forty degrees colder than the last time I went outside. 'This sucks,' I thought. It was late so I called a cab.

Monday was pretty uneventful. Ran some statistics for work. Tracked some weird errors in the data. Also found a weird error in search results on our site. Talked to Reese about the state of the world for almost an hour. He thought the Miss Manners thing was funny so I released it. Transferred more wedding. Felt like I'd been procrastinating. Jose, the cleaning guy, asked me to look up the exchange rate for dollars to lempiras. It was something else, I thought the Canadians had an unfavorable exchange rate, little did I know that it takes nearly 20 lempiras to buy a dollar. I went out to eat with Jose after he got done. The bartender was a sort of hoochie. Jose and I talked about the state of the world. He sees a lot of issues the same as I do. Michael Jackson: freak, steroids hearings: bullshit, vegetative state: not for us. Six beers later we settle the tab and I go home.

I had a hell of a time getting up this morning. I get in kinda late. Explain what was happening with the search results and explain where I was with it. I call tech support. Get back to stats. Get some reports and start putting them online. Tech support calls back, points out that the newest search templates don't have the problem I describe. I start to investigate and accidentally overwrite my work from the day before. Start redoing that and working on documents. Have lunch with Reese. Go home early to meet an F.B. Yadda, yadda, yadda. Kick him out and do laundry and now I'm at the internet cafe. The guy next chair over is explaining to his friends that the character in the game he's playing is named after a Japanese breakfast cereal. I resolve to finish a post today.

Posted by Spicolli' at 10:06 PM

Postcards from Hell!

Good news everyone!

Rev. Jerry Falwell in critical condition
Looks like he'll finally find out how wrong he was. Exploiting everything he deemed evil to promote his self righteousness. If only everyone like him was dying. Speaking of reverends exploiting others suffering for their own gain... check out who just jumped onto the Schiavo bandwagon... none other than Jesse Jackson. Of course reverend is just an honorary title given by either themselves or someone who deems some sort of religious respect for them. I'll play along for identification and argument's sake. What took you so long, Jesse? Did you just find out that she was 1/8th african american? Did you just happen to be in the neighborhood? Did you feel the window closing as her frail body dissolves into a lifeless corpse of missed opportunity? Either way... I don't give a rat's ass because you are a nobody just like most people who are under the delusion that they hold some kind of clout.

Posted by Reese at 2:59 PM | Comments (2)

Reese Presents: What's Wrong With The World? Pt 2

Taking real headlines from the news and then attempting to give a witty comment about them. Remember, "funny" is not a guaranteed result. This is an 'as-is' type feature!

Headline: Knesset rejects referendum on Gaza pullout
Verdict: I agree.. I've had enough pregnacy scares to know that pulling out doesn't work very well. I do, however, support a Gaza condom.

Headline: Minivan stolen with child inside
Verdict: Goes to show you that the 'Baby on board' sticker doesn't matter much, now does it? It's more or less an advertisement for Baby thieves.

Headline: 59 ex-U.S. diplomats oppose Bolton
Verdict: Now honestly, did ANYONE like the music of Michael Bolton? That balding yet still mulleted freak!

Headline: Poll: Most people ignore sleep problems
Verdict: New Poll: Most people ignore lame sleep problem articles

Headline: New Kyrgyz leader calls for probe
Verdict: It's good to know that anal probes are not only welcomed but encouraged in Kyrgyzstan.

Headline: Laura Bush making quick trip to Afghanistan
Verdict: We didn't elect Laura Bush. We questionably elected her husband. So where does an average citizen get a ticket to Afghanastan and who pays for this trip anyway? Clearly.. we do.

Headline: Husband plans to seek Terri Schiavo autopsy
Verdict: What a waste of money.. even *I* could tell you that starvation and dehydration will be the cause of death.

Headline: Police seek driver who rammed into house
Verdict: I believe that police should be looking for the ones responsible for putting the house in the middle of the highway!

Headline: Skiers rescue selves from avalanche
Verdict: In a country of such lazy ass people, it's no suprise that there's a major headline where someone simply helps themself survive.

And finally:

Headline: Police Find Homemade Bomb In Bag Of Chips
Verdict: Bomb technicians who sampled the tasty snack after diffusing the threat stated (of course) that "Those chips where da bomb!"

bombdoritos.jpg
The plan was foiled for failing to follow proper procedure. The Terrorist Handbook clearly states that one should use Cheetos or Pringles... absolutely no substitutions.

Posted by Reese at 9:31 AM | Comments (2)

The Birth of 'Schiavo Republicans'

The Rude Pundit had some interesting things to say about the opportunity to be had for exploiting the Republican over-reach in the Schiavo Case. It gave me some hope since, as he points out, the main issue is personal privacy which is at the heart of a broad swath progressive issues.

Then I read item in the Times. It seems that the meddling has just begun. The list of Schiavo donors will be sold by a direct-marketing firm. It turns out that the heart of this case wasn't about personal privacy but fundraising, which is at the heart of the Republican party.

You may well know that Karl Rove got his start as a sort of direct-markeing wunderkind fresh from the College Republicans. I predict that Response Unlimited is going to be another major player after the dust settles and the fund-raising letters return stuffed with checks from people who think their doing the Lord's work. Remember the Arkansas RNC flier? Think that with pictures of Terri.

The Republicans realize that the average person in the heartland is terrified of so totally losing control of their life that they won't be able to muster any dignity. The Repubs use this, wereas the Dems shy away from it. For instance:

Mr. DeLay complained that "the other side" had figured out how "to defeat the conservative movement," by waging personal attacks, linking with liberal organizations and persuading the national news media to report the story. He charged that "the whole syndicate" was "a huge nationwide concerted effort to destroy everything we believe in."

The New York Times

The left-wing blogosphere has had a field day with these inane ramblings. But they strike a chord in the heartland. Through repetition of this and items like it, people in small towns all over the country thing that they way of life is in mortal danger from 'liberals.' This notion become quite resistent to facts. So the more Delay complains about the defeat of the conservative movement, the stronger it gets. It is pure fear. I hate to say it but listening to Air America much of Easter Week has convinced me that is has spread. To Americans yes, but to Europeans and Muslims as well. I hope that the inevitable confrontation can be avoided, but a part of me thinks it will only be more violent the longer it is.

Posted by Spicolli' at 8:43 AM

March 28, 2005

She Ain't Been Probed in a While Boys.

Congressional watchdog probing Maggie Gallagher.

Posted by Spicolli' at 3:12 PM

Reese Presents: What's wrong with the world?

Each week, I'm disgusted at the world and how people think. It's amazing for me that we've got indoor plumbing, satellites in space, and microwave ovens, because small minds appear to be running shit around here. Need proof? Well, let's venture into a new feature here at PP that I like to call: What's Wrong With The World?

Headline: Schiavo gets a drop of wine for Easter
Verdict: Smooth movie, Einstein...alcohol kills brains cells ya know. Like that's REALLY going to help things.

Headline: Cheating wife gets millions in divorce
Verdict: Unlike in "Pretty Woman", this one became a slut AFTER marrying a rich guy.

Headline: Burger King to offer 'enormous' sandwich
Verdict: With a heart attack practically assured, the FDA's response was that this new sandwich will require a doctor's prescription.

Headline: As killer gunman approached, teacher prayed
Verdict: Being that she was the only teacher killed, let this be known as proof that praying doesn't do shit. (Another busted myth is that people WILL hit a guy with glasses!)

Headline: Flames Force Family Out Of Home
Verdict: Mean old flames! Shame on you! Pushing people around like that and then raising the rent!

Headline: Man Denied Account Sues Bank, Alleges Racial Profiling
Verdict: Yeah, my bank denied me an account for having no money. I'm suing over financial profiling!

Headline: Teacher Accused Of Having Sex With Male Student
Verdict: Parents are suing Van Halen after finding "Hot For Teacher" playing in their son's IPod. Damn devil music putting things in kids' heads!

Headline: Downtown Odor Investigated
Verdict: Here's one that you'll never see in New Orleans. We tend to just accept our downtown odors as part of our "heritage".

Posted by Reese at 11:18 AM | Comments (2)

New Orleans Plantation Homes

This Friday was cool as me and Jess went to visit the Ormond Plantation in Destrehan. We saw another couple there and was greeted by this elderly lady with a monotone voice and limited enthusiasm. She took our 14 dollars and proceeded to go through the motions of history on the house. It was like she was reading a summary and rushing through everything. It felt like I was getting a tour of grandma's house and as she rushed through so fast, I remembered that I'd gotten better tours and history on houses from my Realtor a year ago. She was the worst, and when she took us to rooms to look around, she'd not even give us enough time to actually look around. The doll room was the creepiest and I've heard stories about that place. She said that some guy took a photo of one of the dolls with no eyes had blue eyes in the picture. Jessica's dad told a story of when he worked there and heard someone upstairs walking and sweeping the floor, but he was the only one there. We were pretty damn disappointed and so headed to the Destrehan Plantation, which was about a mile down the road. It was much better as there were lots of tourist, a gift shop, and tour guides with enthusiasm, knowledge, and dressed up in traditional old-style southern outfits. Informative and nicely restored, the Destrehan Plantation tour was more worth the money at 10 dollars a piece. Apparently, one thing that sticks out in my mind is how when Louisiana was first formed a colony (before it became a state), it was mandatory to be Catholic, and thus, the tradition of having Parishes instead of Counties is one of the few things that still exist from the traditional values back then. We want to stay at one that is known for being haunted.. not sure if it's just rumor or fact started by the people may or may not have seen things or by the planataion bed and breakfast to entice business... either way, it would be interesting and probably a rush to do it. Maybe someday. I'm open minded, yet skeptical on things. I'd like to believe my senses in life and rely on them for many percieved facts and fictions.

Posted by Reese at 11:12 AM

March 26, 2005

Miss Manners Finally Published My Letter

jmmm2.gif

Dear Miss Manners: I have a special friend who I hook up with sometimes who always climaxes before I do, then we start talking without letting me climax. I'm not sure how to point out this situation. I thought that maybe I should just politely ask if we could just make out while I jack off. What do you think?

Gentle Reader: I can tell by the fact that you said 'climax' instead of 'cum' that you're a total wuss. If he hasn't noticed that you didn't cum by now he clearly has picked up on this wussiness and doesn't respect you. In that dynamic anything you ask will sound like pathetic begging. The key is to keep the flow of the lovemaking going, while getting what you want and trying to re-establish something like parity. My suggestion would be to flip over start kissing and say something insouciant like "bitch, I know you aren't just going to leave me here with blue balls." That way everyone seems happy.

Boy I could have used that advice on Friday.

Posted by Spicolli' at 6:50 PM

March 24, 2005

Write your own Bushism #6

puppy45.jpg

It's like the pot calling the kettle black.

Posted by Spicolli' at 10:33 AM | Comments (1)

My Court Case

The saga doesn't end as I've learned today, from the "Concierge" that it will cost me $130 dollars to appeal my case. It didn't cost me even $100 dollars to file a fresh new one... maybe I should just file one again and save about $35 dollars... but that's not how the system works. If they can fuck you once, they will fuck you again and at a 30% mark-up! That's politics in a nutshell. Big thanks to the "Concierge" for his help. He will go nameless to protect his innocence and association with this site, considering his conservative ways. If this all goes down, he could be considered the "deep throat" of my individual scandal and corruption busting efforts. I've decided to ride the train a little longer.. after all, this is about principle and I'll be lucky to break even after filing so much shit just so that I get some kind of restitution. As for today, it's Five Happiness day and I'll be damned if all of my problems will stop me from enjoying some hunan chicken! What are my problems you ask? Well, I have to make a doctor appointment for a sinus-type and upper respiratory thing bothering me off and on for what seems like a year now. I've got to bring my piece of shit 2000 Ford Focus in for extended warranty repairs for the umpteenth freaking time and for the umpteenth freaking different problem, I've got things at my job that are stressing me out because they are problems that have been left over from B.C. it seems, in which i have to solve and work on in a 6X6 closet converted into an office (all you do is add a window facing the hallway, an A/C vent, and some outlets) where I get practically zero human contact and only the ticking of my Timex to keep me company, I've got my girlfriend's car, which has an odd problem where the gas tank seems to leak when filled over a certain amount (yes, another product of the great Ford family, the Ford Tempo, which was a monumental piece of shit car in the early and mid 90's only to be replaced by the Escort, and then 2000 Focus as their #1 problem child, I've got my sister who owes me money and has only recently not gotten on my nerves by neglecting every house chore you can imagine, I need to make a dentist appointment too, it appears that through a rough first draft that I'll owe damn near $500 dollars in taxes according to H&R Block (so I'll seek a second opinion on that calculation), I probably wont be able to go to Germany with my friend CJ, because of financial obligations elsewhere, my cell phone is 3 years old and probably giving me cancer due to lower band emissions, the refinery near my home spews out more carcinogens each month to ensure that some type of cancer will befall me, I've got to deal with Easter with Daphne and my mom, which is sometimes not a good mix, I'm tired, need a vacation, and there's countless other problems plaguing my mind that I won't get into! OK? (Wow, I just ran a spellcheck and was 100% accurate on the first draft...go me!)

Posted by Reese at 10:28 AM | Comments (1)

European Wusses For Real

When I was home for Christmas last the people I meet has some pretty outlandish ideas. So when one of the hostesses at one of the parties apologized for having French cheese, because "we're supposed to be boycotting them, or something," I just rolled my eyes and filled my plate without giving it much thought. It's somewhat childish to get mad at someone who tells you you shouldn't do something when it turns out that doing it was probably a mistake.

Now it looks like I've found something to get me on the Freedom Fries Express. The French and Germans are not going to block Wolfowitz's nomination to the World Bank. This is a man who was a party to one of the largest frauds ever perpetrated on the American people. Now he's going to run a bank? Martha Stewart is still wearing an radio ankle bracelet around Turkey Hill for telling a fraction of the lies this man has told.

Not to mention his buddies possibly getting sued by the SEC.

Do you want to know what the secret to getting into the pants of Europe's leaders? When they start bringing up all of the things you've done just tell them "You don't know me." This should work. Lord knows I've used this one in Junior High, but who'd have thought it would work in the world of grown-ups. That was what Martha should have done:

"But you're lying to us, we're the FBI"

"Listen junior G-man you don't know me"

"You're right ma'am sorry to have bothered you."

"And give me back my hot glue gun"

"Yes ma'am"

This is more or less what the European leaders are doing now and I have to admit that it almost makes me countenance the propaganda that they did it for Saddam.

Posted by Spicolli' at 10:10 AM

Reese Presents: YOU MAKE THE CALL!

jebbathehut.jpg

Jeb Bush:

A) Is swiftly coming to the rescue of Terri Schiavo saying that she may have been misdiagnosed, even though he's been governor since 1998 and didn't give a didn't seem to give a shit until 2002, coincidentally his reelection year.

B) Said, "I visited Terri and had to pinch her nose, because the mustard stains on my tie sent up an aroma that caused a lip smacking drool-fest of hunger on her face... I was truly sickened and appalled and had to throw away half of my whopper combo!"

C) Is using this publicized so-called tragedy as a public relations soapbox and possible future presidential nomination by promoting himself as the even kindest, and most gentle "Bush" yet.

D) Is trying to frame his presidential run against Bill Frist. Sure Frist can bend the constitution to try to get the tube back in, but he can actually get it done with one executive order. Silly ineffectual Washington insider!

Posted by Reese at 9:49 AM

Not Surprising

TEN-THOUSAND DOLLARS!!!

I was just reading this article on CNN about projected shortfalls in the Army's recruitment efforts. Coincidentally the day before I saw an Army Reserve recruitment flier taped to a vending machine outside Rouse's. It says in very large type "You can have TEN-THOUSAND DOLLARS!!!"

I'm sure glad that Selective Service is advertising it's obsolescence on their web page, or else I'd be real worried about a draft.

Posted by Spicolli' at 8:34 AM

March 23, 2005

Louisiana Judiciary Red Tape

Well, I just called Judge Mortillaro's office and talked to the same smoking clerk I saw when I visited on the 9th of March. She was smoking up a storm and the place wreaked of ashtray aroma. I thought that publicly funded offices and such had to be smoke-free, but what do *I* know. Anyway, as I said in previous posts, I never saw, spoke to, or even got to shake the judge's hand, because since the defendant didn't bother to show up, I never got my opportunity to plead my case or evidence to the judge and try to prove that the so-called contract was violating Louisiana civil code. So where's my fucking default judgement anyway? I did my part and then some, and still got the finger! I can only speculate on why it's so hard to find some justice around here.

Dear Steve:
Thanks for the gallant effort!. I'm sure that you really do serve the public interest with dignity and honor when you feel like it. So what the fuck happened? I didn't get to present my evidence or testimony, but you stated that you had heard and read some in your personalized form letter. You had no new material on the issue than you had a year ago when I filed this case. So you were either lazy and didn't bother to look at the case until recently, did your friend Fredrick a favor by ruling in his favor, or just plain mishandled the case with blatant incompetence. I'd like to believe that for my $85 dollar processing fee, that I'd at least get to fucking plead my side of the issue and a handshake from the all mighty Steve himself. Truthfully, I'm not sure what makes you so qualified to judge my case anyhow. Anyone monkey who can read law books and form an opinion is able to render judgements. I suppose that the truth of it all is that I was just hoping that your opinion would side with mine, which is what the civil code appears to do... although I never got to tell you that. If you are disregarding civil code, then you're just making shit up in reality, and that's not ethical is it? I'll file my appeal.. and even a complaint with the judiciary committee if I have to. Something isn't right about this on multiple levels, and I loathe unfair injustice.

Sincerely,
Reese

Posted by Reese at 10:03 AM

March 22, 2005

War is fun!

An ex-Marine recruiter changes his tune after a stint in Iraq. It's times like this that I'm glad that I wasn't too ignorant on life when I left high school as to join the military. My reasoning at the time (peacetime) was that I didn't like the idea of the government having control over me. Today, I hate that idea even more... and for more reasons. It's better for the military, because I don't respect authority without a reason to. I have trouble motiviating myself toward a cause that I don't believe in. It's better for me, because I function better with my brains on the inside of my skull.. and the blood flowing under the skin instead of over it. It's really a shame to use soldiers as pawns. Just like chess, the king is protected and sheltered while the pawns and then higher ranking pieces die one by one... good thing it's just a game, right. Is this War just a game... and aren't games fun, dubya?

Posted by Reese at 9:15 AM

100th Provocative Planet Entry!

You are currently reading the 100th Provocative Planet entry this year. I like Spicolli's take on the latest crap of the Schiavo case, Tom Davis's new world order, and IMAX caving in to the possibility that peace-loving Christians will show up and burn the place down via townies with torches if they dare show absurd and wild theories on evolution and such. Freedom truly is when you have nothing to lose. If IMAX didn't fear lost profits, they would not fear displaying anything. And those who oppose such events should realize their "God" given choices to not view the material at hand. And if you want to preach a different tune, just go ahead and produce your own movie on how you believe that the world was created and where you believe that the neanderthal and dinosaur bones came from. The word "America" is losing all of it's sparkling luster. isn't it? It's become fools gold to the world. I thought that this was the country that other countries wanted to be like, the Elvis of democracy. The place where it didn't matter who you were or what you believed in, you were free to express yourself and your own beliefs without penalty. Was my view of reality obstructed by the star spangled banner and talks of patriotism, freedom, and old glory? I went through phases in life, from what I remember. When I was really young, I couldn't grasp the idea of America versus other places on the earth and what it would be like to live elsewhere. As I got older, I realized how lucky I was to be here in America, even if it was a section called Louisiana... still lucky I suppose. Then I started to notice how the system works, and how everyday people, kids, and even certain intelligent types are taken for rides on the governmental train of propaganda. A web of lies (spin), deceit (statistically and otherwise), and omissions (admitting only half truths and facts). That's how the REAL America operates. And issues that can be so important to some are rarely brought to public light and when they do, sometimes they are largely ignored by those who believe it doesn't apply to them. The problem isn't that people should care, but that these problems need to be corrected and usually aren't. There are so many infringing laws (local and federal) that could be overhauled and just wiped out completely, because they don't belong anymore. Why do we still have sodomy laws in some states? Just take it off the books, there is no need to keep something active. Clean up the trash. Revise the present. Bring true freedom in and make this country everything it had promise to be. Without religious bias or personal greed to fuel the fire, but logic, justice, fairness, and equality. Am I optimistically wishing upon a pipe dream? Probably. Nothing can ever be perfect in this world, but it can be better.. much better. We should not ever have a better past, but shamefully, we appear to. I think that we have less freedom in many areas than we used to, and I'm not even talking about the "Patriot" Act.

Posted by Reese at 8:28 AM

March 21, 2005

If the Customer Says The World Was Created in Six Days, Than it Must Have Been

I think that many people go most of their lives only ever hearing rumors this thing called 'science.' What is that?

Increasingly people are finding themselves asking "Do you want fries with that?", smiling and signalling to co-workers to spit in a hamburger. This trend makes it hard to say 'no' to customers. After how can you argue with the profit motive? Certainly not by making people uncomfortable.

Take for instance IMAX. The big, big screen films are expensive products produced mainly for consumption by museums. They are feeling pressure from these same institutions to avoid controversial subjects like The Big Bang, evolution and geology. How is it possible that institutions that exist only to educate the public decide against that interest? It has something to do with the crowd of angry Jesus-freaks that can show up on a moments notice whenever you say "Darwin" three times. But more than that I think it has to do with the fact that most museums are school field trip destinations and while most school boards have managed to keep evolution out of he classroom, they can't keep it out of the museums. If someone in a small test audience thinks a movie about deep sea vents is blasphemous, it's very likely a PTA mom or sadder still some bawling scripture quoting fourth-grader will make a scene about a museum and effectively keep it off the list of destinations for a generation.

While these people manage to make every educational professional they can find walk on egg-shells, countries that aren't as squeamish about science will continue to innovate at a higher rate then us and we will continue to think the customer is right as we squirt mayo onto chicken sandwiches and ask "what would you like to drink with that?"

Posted by Spicolli' at 7:32 PM

Clearly a Pervasive Lack of Respect for Life Caused This...

No it couldn't be a bleak life on an Indian Reservation, a lack of awareness or funding for mental health care, or even a culture obsessed with violence that caused this.

Ten-to-one Tom Davis (R-VA-11th, Fuckwit) will spin this into his web of self-promotion.

Posted by Spicolli' at 6:52 PM

Spicolli Comes to Jesus

Not really

The great Hunter S. Thompson once said "Have an objective to give your bender a theme." Well, yesterday by my calculations was 41 days from Mardi Gras so I decided to have a end my lenten privations and have a bender themed around other people's deep thoughts. I had two doomed six packs in the fridge and sat down to read Walter Russell Mead's The Jacksonian Tradition and the first chapter of Wesley J. Smith's Culture of Death.

Boy oh boy by the last bottle it was all bleeding together. I was starting to think that the Jacksonian school doesn't believe in life support and that for bioethicists "there is no substitute for victory."

Skimming them this morning in the light of a major hangover, these were accurate if garbled conclusions. Basically if you are not familiar with the works the former explains in part how the same people who deeply resent humanitarian aid will tolerate hundreds of billions of dollars spent on a war in Iraq and the latter explains in part how people who favor euthanasia of the mentally handicapped can also think meat is murder. Both confusing themes for a binge.

Culture of Death is an eye opener. On the one hand the Affaire Schiavo is a totally outside issue, I'd say. Her husband has testified over and over again that they had decided on this course of action. I believe him. I sympathize with his anguish at that decision and the parents anguish. She has had a hand in his decision. However, this book is very good at explaining that the process of the last thirty years that has changed the legal, medical and ethical thinking to allow him to do it is more or less a smoke screen for big insurance, HMO's and doctors to play god.

Be that as it may, the way things are going she will likely outlive me. The macabre decision of the House of Representatives to serve a subpoena on her and her husband to testify before their Committee on Government Reform, the special session, and the president coming off of vacation(!) to sign a law to keep her alive it's so transparent and ignorant. What they are noticing, what their religious base is against is not going to be solved by passing ex-post-facto laws and performing political theater. I have an idea for government reform, how about they stop using other people's tragedies publicize themselves and placate religious leaders. Almost everyone has heard horror stories about doctors withholding care. This is the concern being pandered to and the problem actually involves an erosion of medical ethics that only something like a major overhaul would likely be able to change. The (Republican) free marketeers don't want this, nor does anyone who believes in a right to privacy. These extraordinary measures being taken on behalf of the Schindlers are off point, will force untenable absolutist positions that will actually slow any progress on actual problems.

I'm tempted to step out in front of a bus so someone in the Republican congress will act extra stupid on my account. The average working civilian, retired granny or disabled vet can starve for all they care, but tell them that "... the pro-life base will be excited" and they're tripping over themselves to provide medical assistance. We've got whole families going hungry because of medical bills and job losses and they want to ham-fistedly make sure they keep spending. We've got guys bleeding to death in Iraq because they don't have tourniquets, they're basically saying "call us when their in a vegetative state." All we end get are hearings about steroids in baseball and Terri Schiavo, both hypocritical bullshit and both, oddly, brought to us by Tom Davis (R-Va-11th, Dickhead).

I can't help but wonder if these smoke screens are a corollary to the increased propaganda operation: "increase news coverage favorable to us" and "drown out anything worthwhile with nonsense."

Posted by Spicolli' at 4:22 PM

We are all domestic slaves!

It's Monday and the news strewn out over the land is more hype then substance as usual. Reading about the Bobby Fischer article and how he's a U.S. fugitive for what, playing a chess match and "violating economic sanctions" against the former Yugoslavia. Just because the U.S. government puts a sanction upon another country should not mean that the citizens have to comply. Apparently, although other U.S. citizens were involved in this so-called violation, Bobby was the only one indicted. Sounds fishy? Appears to be lacking in logic and sense? Yup, that's America for you. Hypocracy over Corruption multiplied by Stupidity all among Small Minds. It's a sad reality and just additional proof of our false sense of freedom that we're told we have.

Posted by Reese at 2:30 PM

March 18, 2005

Reese Presents: "YOU MAKE THE CALL!"

schiavo.jpg

Terri Schiavo is:

A) Thinking "Kiss me, I'm IRISH!" (Glub Glub, Drool Drool)

B) Worried that her subpoena will accidentally lead her to the wrong congressional hearing and force her to admit past steroid usage?

C) Not ready to die just yet, because tomorrow is tubed meat loaf night.

D) Blissfully oblivious to the decrepit place that the U.S. has become since 1990 and completely unaware that Milli Vanilli was a fraud!

E) Confused at the irony that it took the act of one brain dead president to save her brain dead ass.

F) I wish my father had never discovered the video camcorder. So that shots of my persistent vegatative state would not be on every channel every half hour.

Posted by Reese at 10:52 AM | Comments (1)

March 17, 2005

Police Fire on Suicidal Woman

Weird story. No one's gonna commit suicide on their watch.
Posted by Spicolli' at 2:15 PM

"...only the good die young.."

Jimmy Ray Slaughter ,57, was convicted of murdering his girlfriend and 11-month old daughter in 1991. While not having a last name that helped his case, he proclaimed his innocence but was still sentenced to death. There was a shroud of doubt surrounding the case between his persistent claim of innocence and the 'brain fingerprinting' procedure he had done in an attempt to prove his innocence. Now, I was not there for the trial or evidence at hand, but shit like this is pretty scary. I'm pro-death penalty. I do believe that for whatever the reason, be it stupidity, retardation, chemical imbalances, or alien probe mind control that if a person is a danger to society (and there's no fixing him), then having that person continue to exist on this Earth is a waste of money, waste of oxygen, and just plain risky. With that said, our system for determining death row guests can be as flawed as people themselves. Check out this site on the issue. Seems fairly unbiased and informative. Just scary to think that in this day and age how so much doubt can surround a case and still result in an execution.

Posted by Reese at 1:39 PM

Write your own Bushism #5

Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free.

Moustache
Posted by Spicolli' at 1:20 PM | Comments (2)

March 16, 2005

... He Admitted, "Maybe I Shouldn't Have Submitted a Receipt For My New Dog Checkers"

Everyone needs a happy place. Do you want me to tell you about mine? It's summer Ephraim, Wisconsin, all of the people on the beach have been flown in from Brazil, the food's been flown in from New Orleans and the beer's been flown in from Fish Creek because you can't buy beer in Ephaim. Then the politicians are from Nevada show up and start glad handing the cariocas gostosos and I return to waking life screaming.

I know Reese can win something in St. Bernard, but sometimes I hear things that make me think maybe I'm hitching my wagon to the wrong star. Like this rising star of the Republican party Nathan Taylor of Nevada. About a month ago he was accused of embezzlement. As it turns out it wasn't embezzlement:

He says he has produced documents to show that he didn’t do anything wrong. He said the bar tabs were dinners he bought for volunteers of the convention's committee.

"We spent hours in the meeting," Taylor said. "There's nothing unethical about that."

Awesome, this is a guy who knows a thing or two about outlay. He's been able to effectively fund raise, was able to prove he didn't do anything technically wrong and was able to make his accusers publicly apologize. These are some political skills, especially for someone my age, but then the kicker:

Although Taylor appreciates the efforts, he said the experience has left a distaste for politics. He plans to quit after the convention. What has hurt the most is the voice of his mother crying when she called at 6:30 a.m. on Feb. 15, after she had read the article about the alleged embezzlement charges.

"When it affects other people in my life that mean something to me, you take a step back and say is it worth it?" Taylor asked.

I guess if he's serious about giving it up it's a huge shame for the Republican party because this guy has the finely tuned political instincts of a Nixon or perhaps even a Rove, himself a College Repub Poobah. Although on the downside there's only so many times you can play the mother card before people think you're a wuss.

Posted by Spicolli' at 9:56 PM

CounterIntuitive

Senate panel holds secrecy hearings. Man argues that if they make everything secrets, the things that should be secret will become fair game for leaks.

Posted by Spicolli' at 7:47 PM

Bring Back the Anti-AARP Ad Meme!

bad-AARP-webad-002.gif
Posted by Spicolli' at 7:45 PM

Write your own Bushism #4

There is nothing wrong with America that can not be cured by what is wrong with America. William J. Clinton

Posted by Spicolli' at 7:44 PM | Comments (2)

Pen mightier than sword?

It's hard not to get all giddy about Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone ranting and raving in furious anger over the "Da Vinci Code" book. Does he feel like talking about preist and little boys sexual misconduct? Nah, he'd rather attempt to set the record straight about a book which was never claimed to be fact in the first place. Check out these quotes...When asked about book's success: “(It's) only further proof of the fact that anti-Catholicism is the last acceptable prejudice,” the cardinal exclaimed. Last acceptable prejudice? Catholicism is prejudice toward everything and anything that's not Catholic or Catholic approved! Of course, this is all about claiming stake on who has the better lie. The church lies probably more than this book ever could. And if someone doesn't know that he's telling a lie, it does not mean that he isn't lying. Why do people believe everything that they read anyway?

Posted by Reese at 9:56 AM

March 15, 2005

Write your own Bushism #3

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Lady Or Hag
Posted by Spicolli' at 8:49 PM | Comments (1)

My Nemesis: The Foxtrot

Foxtrot

They say that growing up requires one to face his fear head on. Fear thy name is Triple-Time Swing.

I was scarred for life by square dancing at Luxemburg-Casco. Since then my aunt showed me how to polka and learned a box-step with Heidi Heistad for a cinematography class production of Schindler's List. I was convinced I could get away with Polkas, the chicken dance and a lame imitation of John Travolta's Pulp Fiction [1994] twist that was popular in the '90s for the rest of my life. Granted this attitude has had some weaknesses. One month the dorm channel had Saturday Night Fever [1976] on heavy rotation and I found myself attempting the moves as part of my self-deprecating irony phase.

Now I'm going to Arthur Murray and it's going pretty well. I usally feel like a sweaty Frankenstein. And I have trouble remembering what's going on after executing some move, but I'm improving. They say doing this is supposed to help my confidence. I'm not sure that's true. Confidence is basically a reprieve from worry. On my side of the fence a person's worth is brutally superficial. It's how you look or what you have. Those are the things to worry about. Poise, grace and social skills are lagniappe if they figure at all.

So what's been the value of dance lessons? I guess it's probably like meditation or acting or improv exercises in that it give me a chance to forget myself and all of the little factoids in my head, a hard thing to do especially for someone with a blog. So it's not really a reprieve from worry. Basically you substitute the unsolvable with solvables, like gently pushing a woman you just met out of the way so you don't step on her feet.

Posted by Spicolli' at 10:27 AM

March 14, 2005

Write your own Bushism #2

Janis Joplin

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose.

Posted by Spicolli' at 7:53 PM | Comments (4)

Church Shooting Suspect Described as Average Joe

Those of you who follow crime stories may notice that a lot of serial killers, mass murderer's what not - people who snap and start killing people or snap and start acting out weird murder fantasies are from the Midwest, many from Wisconsin. Like this guy who shot up a church in Milwaukee. At first, I was worried that it would be jihad and security would be locked down to a point where based on this blog they would deny me entrance for Christmas. As it turns he was a member of the church led to murder on Christian theological grounds. A month or so ago I recounted how my parish priest back home had told the congregation that it took courage to go to church on Christmas. Turns out it wasn't because of Da Vinci Code-wielding atheists, or even the logical reason that because of the parking situation from everyone coming out of the woodwork to go to church, there is a chance you could freeze to death walking to the entrance. No it's because of other Christians who disagree with you enough to kill.

That's the real story here. It's a lot like guys blowing up buses and buildings and airplanes hoping for 72 virgins. It's a lot like a country going to civil war because half of them are Christians and the other half is Muslim. However, the story is going to end up being: 'Gee, guys from Wisconsin are always on the brink of snapping.' I almost don't mind because for about a week after these things happen people treat me nicer, but it misses the point. I think Voltaire put it best: 'Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities.'

Posted by Spicolli' at 9:06 AM

March 13, 2005

Write your own Bushism #1

baby.jpe

OK, here's the deal. I'm going to post a well known phrase and you mangle it! Begin:

Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater!

Posted by Spicolli' at 7:56 AM | Comments (4)

March 11, 2005

"..The Devil Inside..."

Helen Kirk was charged with strangling and killing her son in Massachusetts. She was apparently convinced that he was showing signs of being the Devil. What signs? Did he offer you fruit in the form of a reptile? Was he red with horns and a tail? Was he making bets for you soul that he could beat you in a fiddle playing contest? The Devil... another made up character by the Catholic religion. The Devil could be anywhere, they tell us. So why not put out a handbook on how to identify this demon from the underworld? Guidelines on evidence and signs that would give positive proof that Satan himself was in our presence. I say, if you're going to scare people with all of these fictional charades, why not go all the way and make up fine details on the subjects at hand. (And now for my political pitch...) In conclusion, my fellow Catholics, if *I* were Pope....

angeldevil.jpg
Can you spot the bad seed devil child? If you've said the one on the right, give yourself 5 points! She may grow up to cure cancer someday, but she has not been baptised and is therefore heading for a one way trip to hell. Good Job!

Posted by Reese at 1:47 PM

March 10, 2005

Reese Presents: "YOU MAKE THE CALL!"

Iraqi.jpg

Is this Iraqi:

A) Happy that none of the bullets hit him or his nice new hat?

B) Glad that he decided to go with Geico's new drive-by hazzard coverage?

C) Thankful for Bush and the US for giving him a free and safe place to live?

D) Suprised that despite losing his entire family in a suicide bombing, that he's just won the new Haliburton Eastern State Lottery?

E) Horrified at the stressful reality of deaths and destruction unfolding before him?

Remember kids, YOU MAKE THE CALL!

Posted by Reese at 8:35 AM

March 9, 2005

Reese's Court Date

Well he went, he saw, he signed some papers. Today the Concierge and I went to the Justice of the Peace to watch Reese get a default judgement. We waited. I scored a free calendar. We watched some people file paper work about their weddings. I looked at pictures of Rod Stewart's house in an old Architectural Digest. I also caught up on some thumb-twiddling I'd been neglecting. Twenty minutes later a sweet, efficient minion of justice clasping a clipboard came out told Reese that the other guy wasn't going to show, he needed to sign here and here and here and it'll be mailed out within a week.

To me it was a bit anti-climatic. I expected to sit in a courtroom, a hot southern courtroom with a bunch of other people in seer-sucker suits, straw boaters and hand fans. The judge sitting there looking at his watch before pronouncing judgement and sending over a large legal document via a tall strapping bailiff with aviator glasses and tassels on his hat.

Ah well this is one of the disadvantages of a film degree, it weakens your defenses to anti-climax.

In other news - the Concierge and I are signed on as political handlers for Reese's run for any office in St. Bernard. The Concierge says all you need to get elected in Chalmette is a slogan that abbreviates to three "K's." Stay tuned.

Posted by Spicolli' at 3:02 PM | Comments (5)

Oregon high school football coach accused of licking players' bloody cuts

Oregon high school football coach accused of licking players' bloody cuts

Posted by Spicolli' at 12:39 PM

March 8, 2005

Humganum!

In LOCAL news, the public school board of the backwards parish of St. Bernard, Louisiana has decided to break the law by holding a religious prayer before it's meetings. School board president Hugh Craft sends a strong message to the students of St. Bernard that breaking the law is perfectly fine as long as you believe that the rulings and laws don't apply to you. Nice going, Hugh, I think that I'll go set your house on fire, because arson laws don't apply to me. How about separating that church and state, padre? How about leaving the bible phrases out of the government funded institution which pays your salary?

hcraft.jpg
This is what a typical backwards Chalmation looks like. (Hugh Craft)

Long Lost Twins? Nah, just a seriously shallow Louisiana gene pool!

Buddyd.jpg
This is what a typical New Orleanean looks like. (Local Broadcasting "legend" Buddy Diliberto) Scary shit isn't it?

And now you know why the SOUTH shall NEVER RISE AGAIN!

Posted by Reese at 9:05 AM | Comments (1)

March 7, 2005

Son of 'Write a Caption'

Posted by Spicolli' at 6:34 PM | Comments (3)

Note to self: Buy a digital camera!

OK, so it's 2005 and I don't own a digital camera. What other technologies do I lack? Well, I have NO MP3 player, NO HI-Definition television, NO camcorder, and my home PC is 6-years old running at 450Mhz. My cellphone is black and white LCD with ring tones that play less-than-Atari 2600-quality tunes. My car has NO key-less remote, NO power locks, NO power windows, NO power seats, NO CD-player, and NO cruise control. For a software developer with an interest in science, mechanics, and technology, I sure don't represent, do I? But this is a problem for a whole other day... It was yesterday (where I could have used that Digital Camera) while driving that I noticed a sign at a little local place called:

"WAGNER'S MEAT"
There's a place down in the New Orleans 9th ward slums called Wagner's Meat. They have a sign out front with the store name on it and underneath is a typical apparatus with re-arrangeable letters so that you can write phrases and such. Now and again, they will put up phrases or wisdom, cultural sayings, bible references, or even advice on raising your kids. This week's phrase was something to the effect of: "Don't let your kids watch violence in movies - and don't buy the products that they support." Now, I'm a firm believer in free speech, but personally, I don't need a fucking meat market giving me parental advice on raising my kids. You just have to question the motives of an establishment who's catchy and thoughtful slogan reads: "YOU CAN'T BEAT WAGNER'S MEAT!" (See picture below, non-believers!) And how hypocritical for them to denounce violence when TV or Movie violence could hardly come close to the images of slaughtered cows, butchered pigs, and decapitated chickens... all products of VIOLENCE which Wagner's Meat so proudly sells. So in conclusion, I suppose I shouldn't shop there (or their CHICKEN BOX locales either!), because they support violence as well. You win Wagner's Meat! I shall never shop there as long as I live, and I'll spread the word that you don't want other shopping there either... that is, unless you've found a non-violent way of getting me that t-bone.

wagners.jpg
Something about this sign makes me do the "jerk jerk" motion whenever I see it.

Let's not stop there, kids! What about the Animal Rights activist also trying to raise your kids? That's right, claiming that the new Roadkill Gummi Candies from Kraft Foods angers them, because it sends the wrong message to kids that it's OK to harm animals. Well, I don't know about you, but I'd be hard for me to find one little boy who doesn't think that burning ants with a magnifying glass isn't "cool". And tell me this, how many "kids" are on the road driving and killing animals? How many animals have payed the price underneath the tire of a Fisher Price Powerwheel? Lot's of kid are taken to go hunt with their father's as well, why not protest that? I remember eating candy cigarettes when I was a kid, but I haven't smoked one in my entire life! How many people really try to run over animals on purpose (except Cats... kid's by all means, torture and kill CATS!!!)? All that I'm saying is, let the parents do their job (or lack of). Kids are born evil or good. Gay or straight. Society has no influence, it's all genetic. (hehe Just kidding) Seriously, this world has taught me one more thing to add to a list of things that I've been taught: According to society, it seems that there's no RIGHT way to raise a child, ONLY WRONG WAYS!

Posted by Reese at 4:32 PM

Bus Stop Pundit

I was at the bus stop this morning. This guy comes around the corner, a redneck. Now I know you think I just assume almost everyone I meet here is a redneck. Not so. This was the genuine article. He told me he had to go find a job. He told me about all of the things that had led up to being laid off at his last job: The large amount of tips he had gotten at that job, how they let him do deliveries for them, how at the end of his employment they owed him "thousands" and how he retaliated by returning their truck with a mixture of gas, diesel, sugar and salt in the tank. Pretty standard stuff for rednecks, nothing shocking, I nodded in sympathy.

He mentioned that he'd like to move to Baltimore. I asked him why. He said he'd heard that they paid more there, but that the cost of living was similar. He complained that prices were going up and blamed it on the rising price of gas which he in turn blamed on the war and the deficit. I thought to myself, "Wow, Spicolli, you really are a condescending elitist to think that this guy was an ignoramus, just because he's a redneck. He not only knows things are fucked up but he knows how their fucked up. Betcha didn't count on that, Little Lord Fuck-pants."

But just as I was about to ask him which Asian central bank was going to blink first or what he thought of the Hezbollah led revolution in Lebanon or the revolt in Bolivia, he informs me that that Clinton has a lot of nerve starting this war. "Clinton?", I ask. He tells me that Clinton had a lot of nerve starting all of this shit considering he's not even president. I didn't know where to begin to refute it and in any event the bus was here.

I doubt that it matters that I didn't even try. Batshit insanity is so rampant at all levels here that all I can do is wait like a voyeur for the next instance.

Posted by Spicolli' at 9:26 AM

March 4, 2005

Hip-Hip-Hurray for Oscar Goodman

I have to hand it to Las Vegas mayor Oscar Goodman he's no one's bitch. When asked why he told a class of 4th graders that he'd want a bottle of gin with him on a desert island, he replied " I answered the question honestly and truthfully... I'm not going to lie to children. I'm not going to say I would take a teddy bear or a Bible or something like that." Zap! He knows that by picking these hypothetical alternates it will keep the spin going on this harmless Mc-controversy. Free publicity for him and his city -- not only free publicity: publicity that revives a bad boy image for an increasingly Disney-fied city. His multi-tiered jape is at once fun and utilitarian and perhaps sincere and right-thinking politicians everywhere should learn from it.

Though frequently cited, the end of the Fairness Doctrine is not the source of the cultural divide. The source is that the majority of Americans get their information in the form of new coverage of Mc-controversy and the Bush team are the Algonquin round table of the Mc-controversy. Witness the heart-wrenching account (via Digby) of the early days of Bush/Cheney '04 relayed in the New York Review of Books letters section:

On March 5, for example, The New York Times published a piece headlined "Bush Campaigns Amid a Furor over Ads," about a supposed controversy over the campaign's first television ads, which offered a glimpse of a dead fireman being carried out of the World Trade Center site. In the article the Times reporters revealed that the campaign was "scrambling to counter criticism that his first television commercials crassly politicized the tragedy of the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks." Indeed, the controversy was so serious, according to the Times, that it had "complicated efforts by Republicans to seize the initiative after months in which Mr. Bush has often been on the defensive." Newsweek, for its part, in an article headlined "A 'Shocking' Stumble," reported that the ad controversy "threw campaign officials on the defensive—and raised questions about the Bush team's ability to effectively spend its massive $150 million war chest, some GOP insiders say."

Seven months later, and two weeks after the election, Newsweek published another and very different "inside account," this one based on exclusive access to the campaigns which was granted on the understanding that nothing from this reporting would be published until after the election.[*] Here is what Newsweek's writers now told us about what "two Bush strategists" really thought of their campaign's "shocking stumble":

McKinnon and Dowd were ecstatic. At a strategy meeting the next day—the same morning the Times headline appeared—they joked about how they could fan the flames. Controversy sells, they said. It meant lots of "free media"; the ads were shown over and over again on news shows, particularly on cable TV. The "visual" of the rubble at the World Trade Center was a powerful reminder of the nation's darkest hour—and Bush's finest, when he climbed on the rock pile with a bullhorn. What's more, the story eclipsed some grim economic news....

At that Saturday's Breakfast Club, they were still laughing about the ad flap.... Dowd told the group they had received $6 million to $7 million worth of free ad coverage. "Unfortunately, we've been talking about 9/11 and our ads for five days," Dowd deadpanned at a senior staff meeting. "We're going to try to pivot back to the economy as soon as we can."

There were chuckles all around.

So much for the "inside story." As so often in journalism, the source offered the reporter access and the scoop; in exchange, the reporter in effect granted the source— in this case, the Bush strategist—the power to shape the storyline. The reporter thus publishes a supposed "inside story" about "scrambling" within the campaign that is in effect a kind of "false bottom" constructed by the campaign itself and intended to "fan the flames" of what is in fact a largely bogus story. The deeper reality—in this case, the determination to focus relentlessly on September 11 and the President's "leadership" role in it ("the nation's darkest hour and Bush's finest") and thus to emphasize the "masculine" values of steadiness, forthrightness, and strength that this role exemplified—may have been plain to those political professionals who were looking closely but it was much less clear to voters relying on the press for the supposed "inside story" of the campaign. The Bush campaign's "shocking stumble" was, in Daniel Boorstin's term, a "pseudo-event"; indeed, our political campaigns are built largely of such pseudo-events and rely fundamentally on the press and the commentariat to play their necessary part in constructing them and conveying them to the public. Both sides are immersed in this language, of course, and it is hard to see, given the terms of the game, how Democrats could "challenge the Republican story directly"—or even what "directly," in this context, might actually mean.

This manipulation of journalists is probably a dangerous threat to a free and independent press, but it is effective and is probably the only way to get an idea across. When this power is used for good it can prevent us from waking up morning in the nineteenth-century.

In general a Mc-controversy is invited one draws a conclusion that is a reinforces a brand. Thus, the mayor of Vegas admits about liking to drink and makes jokes about the Bible. Conclusion: Vegas must really be sin city! People in the Western U.S. are straight-shooting mavericks! Bush uses ads featuring him with a megaphone in the ruins of 9/11. Conclusion: Bush is a fearless leader! People in the Western U.S. are straight-shooting mavericks!

It is totally frustrating that people who are disgusted by the use of this mechanism for evil are turning their backs on Michael Moore. The only criticism that I have about Fahrenheit 9/11 is that it was too monolithic to sustain it's ideas very long in the public circle. Moore found major weak points in the Bush brand. Frat-boy, boy-in-a-bubble, compulsive-vacationer, all-talk, Orwellian, peevish, aggressive, rich, friendly to Arabs, tongue-tied. It might not have been enough if all of these characterizations were re-enforced throughout the year by Mc-controversies rather than in one spectacular burst with the movie's run (Kerry would have needed to build a brand image with Mc-controversies simultaneously), but who knows it was never given a try.

Posted by Spicolli' at 3:57 PM

"...always keep it loaded..."

I'm not too motivated to write this morning, but what the fuck. It's all therapy in one way or another, right?

The internet and the law. I find any laws that govern the internet to be crazy and absurd! How can something that is supposed to be a free medium be governed? If the PUBLIC internet was a PRIVATE GLOBAL NETWORK owned by one entity and it happened to expand to millions of users where people put themselves in a position to rely upon it's existence for email and commerce and information exchanges, who's problem is it when the shit hits the fan? Should the government have to step in and set laws so that the PRIVATE network is not hacked into or spammed or what not? There is something seriously wrong with this picture.

First point.. spam & email. Email is basically data (usually text) sent electronically. Back before the Internet, Email was sent through Bulletin Board Systems (BBS), where an Email entered on one PC was sent to another usually through a modem connection, and from there it was sent to another PC and so forth until it reached it's destination. Modern Email is sent through a specified port, usually port 25 of the many ports available in TCP/IP on the PUBLIC Internet. If I were to send data to my friend on port 686 in a proprietary format asking him a question, then that would also be considered Email by definition.. but it's not what most people think of as Email, and therefor not subject to Email laws. Text messaging could be considered a different form of mini-emails by definition. Yes, my Yahoo Messenger gets spammed as well, but is that Uncle Sam's problem to fix? No, it's Yahoo's and if I don't like it, I don't have to use it. Same thing with regular SMTP Email, it's just one option in an endless imaginative realm of possibilities. Simple Mail Transfer Protocol was a standard that was adopted by the masses as normal EMail. Making laws doesnt fix the problem... fixing the Email System itself is how you solve the problem. Make secure Email that verifies.. and make THAT the fucking standard if you want a standard. Are we so stupid and lazy that we make a law to curb a nuissance instead of actually fixing the problem at it's source? There's a right and wrong way of doing everything, but it seems that the wrong way is taken more than not. I probably have little support on my stance, but I stand firm on this. If you want a truly free internet, then laws should be abolished from governing it. There's always an alternate way of solving issues that the private sector can handle all on it's own.

Other sites worth a look:
Angry Harry - Article
The Price Of Liberty - Article

Feel good story of the day. Las Vegas Mayor stands by original statement to 4th Graders! Say what you will about this man, but he's got my vote! If you've got the integrity to be brutally honest with 4th graders, then you've got the integrity to serve the entire public, right?

Posted by Reese at 9:54 AM

March 3, 2005

"...pour some sugar on me..."

It appears that the death toll for American troops in Iraq has surpassed 1500! I have a sneaking suspicion that they won't stop until every American is dead or gone. Now, I believe that America could be a lot more free. Sometimes I see our ways as barbaric and illogical, but if some other country tried to "liberate" us and make it all better, hell, I'd probably want to bomb and kill them out of principle alone. It's hard to believe that it's just a few radical groups doing all of the killings. I'd like to think that a consensus of the populace would indicate a relative hatred for the intruding Americans, despite what the media tells you. It's very possible that they can hate Saddam's regime and America at the same time. In all, it's just one hell of a cluster-fuck that's gone awry no matter how much sugar you coat onto it.

Here's a little truth for you. If something persists long enough, no matter how heinous the act, it becomes more and more accepted as the norm. That's how killing soldiers in Iraq doesn't make front page top story on CNN.COM anymore. Instead, some millionaire's solo plane ride around the world does. Not so much is this a reflection on the editing of CNN's website as it is the psyche of the American culture. Just check out the top 10 popular stories on CNN to see how much people REALLY care about certain issues. Not surprisingly, as of 1:35PM, Bubba the Lobster's untimely death, Martha Stewart's face put on a model's body in Newsweek, Leno wanting to tell Michael Jackson jokes, and some Oscar bullshit are all more popular than American Soldiers dying over a worthless cause in Iraq. Even the good ole proud red, white, and blue bleeding Uncle Sam dick-sucking Americans are tired of the war. We just want to have that blissful Utopian existence feeling. Put the negativity of the war, global warming, and BTK killings aside and give us some sugar and spice news to read. Sometimes people WANT the wool over their eyes.. life is just less stressful that way. So... on that note, CNN is more than happy to oblige with a live broadcast of the release of Martha Stewart from Prison. Nuke yourself some popcorn and enjoy!

On a side note, read "Worst President Ever". A nicely compiled BLOG that makes me almost uber-fearful of the next 4 years of my life.

Posted by Reese at 1:22 PM

March 2, 2005

H.R. 418: PATRIOT ACT II by Other Means

There are times that I am really embarrased about my state. From the School house meeting that spawned the Republican Party in Ripon, through the John Birch Society of Appleton, sterilization of sodomy convicts, Junior Senator Joe McCarthy right up to the Lynde and Harry Bradley Foundation. Now it's theres a bill in Congress being sponsored by Representative Sensenbrenner(R[shocking I know] - Brookfield) called H.R. 418. This bill is ostensibly an attempt to tighten up immigration policy by tightening requirements on asylum and the instituting of a nation wide ID. Both of which are misanthropic enough, recalling the similar tightening during the 1930's when legislators were wondering why are all these Jews trying to get in? Also imagine the federal government requiring you to carry their id at all times, not to mention spending millions on processing millions of applications and changes of address. Wow big intrusive bureacracy is the way we'll win the war on terror, I thought it was going to be big intrusive foriegn policy.

All very bad, but then we get to an amendment on the Illegal Immigration Reform and Immigrant Responsibility Act of 1996, which shall read in part should this law pass:

(1) IN GENERAL- Notwithstanding any other provision of law, the Secretary of Homeland Security shall have the authority to waive, and shall waive, all laws such Secretary, in such Secretary's sole discretion, determines necessary to ensure expeditious construction of the barriers and roads under this section.

(2) NO JUDICIAL REVIEW- Notwithstanding any other provision of law (statutory or nonstatutory), no court shall have jurisdiction--

(A) to hear any cause or claim arising from any action undertaken, or any decision made, by the Secretary of Homeland Security pursuant to paragraph (1); or

(B) to order compensatory, declaratory, injunctive, equitable, or any other relief for damage alleged to arise from any such action or decision.

WTF!?!?!?!? Can the legislative branch specify something that the judicial branch cannot review? Like passing a law against murder where the police can decide if someone should spend the rest of their lives in jail without the consult of a judge or jury? How can an addle-brained cheesehead foist this travesty upon us? Write to the editor write to your senators this bill cannot be allowed to pass.

Posted by Spicolli' at 10:05 AM

"... nuke the whales ..."

A reading from the holy book of Futurama - Episode 2ACV03:

The head of Richard Nixon bought Bender's body, now Bender wants it back, so they break into the Watergate where he is staying:

********************************************
Nixon: Huh? What the ...? You shaggy peaceniks have some nerve.

Bender: I'm just here for what's mine. Don't make me kick your neck.

Nixon: Bring it on, soup can. [Growls]

[Bender also growls and they start slowly crawling towards each other.]

Leela: [Grabs them both] All right, break it up, you two. [Puts them both on the couch]

Nixon: That's it! You're all going to jail, and don't expect me to grant a pardon, like that sissy Ford.

Leela: You'll never pardon anybody, because you'll never get elected president. The voters of Earth aren't the pea-brained idiots they were back in your time.

Nixon: Oh, no? Well, listen here, missy. Computers may be twice as fast as they were in 1973, but your average voter is as drunk and stupid as ever. The only one who's changed is me. I've become bitter -- and let's face it, crazy -- over the years, and once I'm swept into office I'll sell our children's organs and I'll go into people's houses at night and wreck up the place. [Laughs fiendishly]

Fry: Well, he lost my vote.

Nixon: Like one vote ever made a difference. Now, if you'll excuse me I'm going to inch myself over to the phone and call the police. [Starts slowly skipping towards the phone]

Bender: Not so fast, Nixon! Are you familiar with ... audio tape? [Tape rewinding sounds]

Nixon: Uh-oh, I don't like where this is heading.

Bender: [Replaying] "... and I'll go into people's houses at night and wreck up the place. [Laughs fiendishly]"

Nixon: My God, I really sound like that? I thought my voice had
more of a Clark Gable quality.
********************************************

nixonhead.jpg
Ah.. the head of Richard Nixon sure is right about the average American voter, then, now, and into the future.

Posted by Reese at 9:13 AM

March 1, 2005

Spicolli Prepares

Since I read about that pregnant man I must have pissed on a box full of EPT™ sticks before finding out it was a hoax.

Ah well what have I got to say.

It looks like Reese might be brought in to work with me. I'm told that he will delegate to me a lot of work. All I can say is that after six months of delegating to Reese's sister, I'm looking forward to a lot of R&R. Reese's sister raises absenteeism to an art form. Despite being scheduled for only Monday, Wednesday and Friday the lure of more time off is just too strong. Sickness, spark plugs, ignition, fuel pumps, flat tires, dog checkups, priest consults, class scheduling, class dropping, the AM/PM on the alarm clock, the volume on the alarm clock, wake one vs. wake two -- to date nearly the full compendium of waylaying circumstances.

I hate to tip my hand to Reese, but I've been working on some variations of my own:

  • The bus broke down.
  • ... I suspect beer poisoning
  • My eyes seem to be clearing up and I don't want to risk coming in.
  • I've got nagging morning wood that won't let me put on my pants.
  • Last night I practiced for a tornado and got lost looking for a basement.
  • I'm crippled by contemplating not only because my life will not make a difference, Man will be extinct one day, the Sun will burn out and the universe will expand into cold nothingness but also because I still haven't gotten out of Shoreside Vale on Grand Theft Auto III.
  • Last night's pick-up has me tied up.... literally.
  • I know it sounds like an internet hoax, but (fill in the blanks)

DISCLAIMER This is comedy. This post is not an expression of anger.

Posted by Spicolli' at 4:32 PM | Comments (1)

"...who'll stop the rain?.."

I feel disconnected. I read about policy and government programs and wonder if I have anything in common with the agenda of the administration. The direction that America can't possibly be the direction that the general public wants it to go, is it? So, I just feel disconnected from America today. I am to the American Government as a coma patient is to consciousness. I'm almost scared that some anit-american (or terrorist-like organization) will do drastic things that affect me or my life because they believe that the whole of the United States is behind the entire operation. I'd like to believe that a damn high percentage of Americans feel the same way that I do.. disconnected. As if this Government represents me.. it's almost like they are running their own show, independent of what the concensus is. Their own agenda, not exactly reflected in the public eye.

On CNN they got something about Bush's Faith Based Initiatives. Man, does that get my blood boiling. When will the religion and government marriage ever end? How do they even get away with this shit? I don't want to talk about it, because it's just plain wrong and depressing. Showing favoritism toward religious groups is the LAST thing our free and unbiased government should do.

Ok, I had enough about this little missing Florida girl coverage that I can stand. Why oh why does this one little girl get so much media coverage and attention? There are tons of missing people and children in the U.S., so why does this one girl get all of the hype and effort? Now, the FBI, local authority, and 20 CHILD ABDUCTION EXPERTS are on the fucking case? If my little girl goes missing through abduction, I doubt seriously that I'd get a lick of attention nationwide. I suppose it's just the luck of the draw, maybe if I'm lucky enough, I'd get CNN and the FBI on top of things and increase my chances of succesfully finding my kin or what not. Maybe somebody knows somebody and now we have a nice story that America can collectively weep over. I'm just saying that ALL of the missing should be equally important and get equal coverage if they really want to do what's right.

Kiddies get license to kill as high court decides that juvenile death penalties are unconstitutional! If you don't know that killing is wrong after being on the planet for at least 15 years, then you're pretty fucked up. It's not like we live in a society where we have to kill people for food, but what if we were? Killing animals for food isn't wrong, what if I just happen to like human hambones? Well, maybe that's what makes us civilized, right? The golden rule is so simple, yet could be the singular most important virtue to live by which makes us civilized. I don't kill other humans, becuase I'd rather not have another human kill me. I also can't imagine that I'd like to peel or cook one... just way too much trouble if you ask me. Of course, I'll eat anything with barbecue sauce.

French Journalist in Iraq pleads for life in new video. I'm sorry, I have trouble feeling sorry for journalist who got swept up as prisoners of war. It's a fucking war and there is a risk of death in many ways. I know what you're thinking... if no one covered the war independently, then we'd have to take the government's word on what's going on, and that's uncool! You're right! But it is still a WAR! I'd never do it personally, and if I had to, I'd like to be accompanied by troops at all times and report in as safe a situtation as I could have. Still, I'd know the risks and I wouldn't expect you to feel sorry for me either.

frenchjournalist.jpg
"Please Help! I've not had a cigarette in days! And psychologically, I've almost forgotten how to be rude!"

Posted by Reese at 9:23 AM

Lightning discovered to be God's smiting weapon of choice!

According to sources close to the almighty, Lightning was discovered to be God's smiting and amusement weapon of choice. God was quoted as saying, "Although I routinely use heart attacks, strokes, and cancer... there's nothing like a good jolt to really fuck with their minds! When you hit them with lightning, they really don't have anyone to blame except me for why it happened! And man do I love the (Oh why God, why me!)'s, boy do they crack me up!" God went on to explain that with heart attacks and cancer, there is usually a good reason behind the ailments, but that getting fried from the inside-out could happen to anyone, rich, poor, healthy, or even a homeless paraplegic! "One time this lunatic was about to slice into his victim with a chainsaw out in some shack, all of a sudden, as the officer approached to save the day, I got him good with about 300 Kilovolts of pure fun! So why would I kill the police officer instead of the lunatic? Well, let's just say that I work in mysterious ways, hahahahaha! Who's the crazy one now, ya know? What, you guys don't have a sense of humor? I did create you all in my image. Ok, Inverview over!"

Posted by Reese at 9:09 AM

"...Into the great wide open..."

A certain friend of mine thought it would be ideal to post about Mr. Lee Mingwei, the World's First Pregnant Man.. Also check here for more detailed information. With visions of the Arnold Schwarzenegger movie "Junior" from just a little over 10 years ago, life finally imitates art...well, sort-of. Being given a placenta and an embryo, Mr. Lee will set forth on a 9 month ride in which most males are all too happy to boast about never having to experience. So what has this new Barnum & Bailey walking freakshow done for modern medicine or society? On the positive side, now a man with dollar signs in his eyes can become a full-time surrogate mother (er...father) and let the cash roll in. On the negative side, jokes about when a man with a rather large beer belly gut will be due will have now lost it's comedic luster. Either way I wonder... who would really want to do this? Would the most feminine gay, transgendered, or transexual be interested in partaking in what was to be the last thing surgery could not give a man that a woman had? Are we headed towared a society of asexual beings? Ok.. I'm done, now to please my friend futher, a picture of the pregnant man we call, Mr. Lee! Of course, this is just a web hoax, but oh well!

timeman.jpg
Mr. Lee is not pregnant nor is any man on the planet. The only thing a guy can breed is bacteria, parasites, viruses, and good lies!

Posted by Reese at 1:14 AM