Oh my God, I totally feel like shit today. I went to my dentist Uptown yesterday and I'm looking at $1600+ worth of teeth work. On the way back I thought I'd stop in at my new trivia bar to start an account. A few cold beers and low scoring games later I stumbled back into the Quarter. Yadda, yadda, yadda. I have a hickey and a mysterious bruise on my back and feel slightly nauseous whenever I move too fast.
Matthew Hawkins posted some opening night pictures of an art show called I am 8-Bit. Some of these art pieces are so damn cool. Hunter S. Thompson playing Duck Hunt. Skeletor, Boss Hog, Cobra Commander, Destro and Gargamel in a team picture. Mario reading cheat codes before a naked Princess Peach. A nearly six-foot long, functional NES controller. Basically if you were a boy in the 80's and 90's one of these artworks should make you smile. Matthew is a game designer and his news page is a good source for video game inspired art and low-res art.
Headline: Two men go hunting turkeys together, die of heart attacks
Verdict: Aww, how cute! Of course, if I were a turkey and saw two old geezers chasing me one minute and then laying dead the next, with rifles in their hand, I'd peck and rip them to shreds and then take a dump in their face.. better them than me, I'd say! It's just the kind of feel good story I needed and to know that for once, the turkey won. Fucking hunters should play fair... then it would truly be a sport.
Headline: Two guilty over Jakarta sex trade
Verdict: Yeah, I'll trade ya two hand jobs for a good rimming, sounds fair?
Headline: Lawmaker: NFL steroids policy 'not perfect'
Verdict: NFL: Congress policy 'even farther from perfect' ... When is congress going to stop wasting taxpayer money? When?? It's pot calling the kettle black to say that something is 'not perfect' to another organization anyway. Tom Davis is a straight up prick. Do you know why the quality of congressman are so low? Becuase anyone who's intelligent enough and qualified to be fair, just, and have integrity wouldn't dare get into politics. And simply said, congress needs to stay out of non-government business.
Headline: First lady rules out run on 'Tonight Show'
Verdict: That's a relief, she's probably even more incompetent than George... after all, she was dumb enough to marry him.
Headline: Contest Winner Doesn't Want Grand Opening Car
Verdict: A new dealership in Boulder, Colorado offered a drawing to win a car... when Daniel Barbiere was told that he won, he was shocked to see that the dealership was offering a 1993 Saturn LS with 125K miles, balding tires, a cracked windshield, and four different shades of paint on the body. You have to hand it to those crafty car dealerships for trying to pull a fast one.. of course being that it's a Ford dealership, it should come as no suprise. They offered to let him use the car as a trade-in as well.. I wouldn't do it Daniel.. believe it or not, I'd take the decrepit Saturn over a brand new Ford Focus anyday! (My 2000 Focus has been a nightmare piece of shit with umpteen recalls placed on it since I purchased it! Yes, I speak from experience here.)
Headline: Archbishop Kicks Off Fundraising Campaign
Verdict: Father O'Malley claims that funds have been lower lately in the Archdiocese of Boston since all of the priest sex scandals have been going down. Boo fucking hoo! I have a great idea.. how about the catholic religion makes it where all priests get castrated upon entry into the clergy... if you claim to be truly celebate, what do you need those dangling doodads for anymore? If you refuse, then you just aren't truly faithful to the cloth... case closed.
Headline: False alarm sends Bush to underground shelter
Verdict: For that brief moment when Bush was all snug up in his secluded bunker, I sure felt safer than I have in years.
I just did a search on our website for the word "whores" and when the search resultes were shown to be empty, I cried foul! "Not enough whores on our site!", I shouted! Yeah.. I like writing and stuff, but this site needs more... maybe more time, more inspiration, and more writers? I know I'll have more time and inspiration in May, so that's cool. My current job situation inspires me like a lullaby and a bucket of nitols. Last night, I went to a concert. MSI (also known as Mindless Self Indulgence) were the main act for $15 dollars a ticket. A small venue at Twiropa that had an opening band as well. The opening number was this band called SMB (also known as Screaming Monkey Boner or Screaming Mechanical Brain. Not to be confused with the Steve Miller Band, although I'm sure that was not their intent!). The lead singer, Rev. John Wheeler IV, had a white roland keyboard strapped to his adbomen...tickling a few notes and a chord here and there.. nothing too fancy. He had this Weird Al Yankovic presence on the stage, which made the show more entertaining than the music would have done on it's alone. I suppose if they ever make it "big", I can claim that I was a fan before most fan's knew who they were.. or some bullshit like that. I can even lie and say that he blew snot out of his nose onto me and the crowd (actually, he blew a long nose-loogie safely onto the stage). Overall, they were pretty ok, but after waiting an hour after show was supposed to start (9PM), the crowd was a tad restless for the main attraction. It's just a little bit asshole to have people pay to come see you play, then to make them wait a half-hour past the time when the doors were supposed to open, then another hour for the opening band to start playing, then another hour til that band stops playing, then another 30 minutes before MSI decided to earn their keep. No appology or even a "sorry for the wait, bro!"... I mean if the lead singer was getting a BJ backstage and needed a few more minutes, I may have been more sympathetic, but there was nothing said to indicate that they gave a shit about the hardcore fans who showed up. I don't know of any bigger or smaller venue artist that would ever do that to their paying customers. MSI is better on CD than live it seems. They have two guys and two girls in the band. The female drummer knew some basic beats and didn't look very natural playing... she was probably lucky to even have THAT gig. The singer had all of his hair spiked up and it held tight and didn't once move or jiggle as he pranced around the stage (fixing it up was most likely the cause of the hour-long delay I'd assume). They were going through the motions of the process that they've done in city after city. Not really personable with his fans, just doing his thing. Of course, that's their prerogative, but it's probably not a good PR move if you want people to actually buy tickets and CDs... then again, I'm not in the "biz".. what would *I* know about not pissing your fans off and making them want more. Jessica supposedly liked them a lot before the concert, but was utterly disappointed aftewards citing that she may never buy another one of their CDs again. I suppose if a hardcore fan would not want to purchase anything to support them, then a guy like me would say that they weren't worth the support of a free (allegedly illegal) download off of KaZaa Lite! In CONCLUSION, I am a little more tired than normal, as we finally got back home after a brief detour to The Breakfast Club for some midnight munchies and orange juice and then douching myself in a nice warm shower (with Irish Spring... that shit smells good) and going to sleep.
Mystery of 1,000 exploding toads. Several thousand have so far mysteriously and spontaneously blown up, sending entrails and body parts over a wide area.
Man 'kept dead mother in freezer'. Usually when I hear about the US state of Wisconsin on the Beeb, I brace myself for something totally bizarre located in single-digit driving hours from my parents house: State takes aim at feral cats. Earth's oldest object on display. In pictures: US Church shooting. Before that, Six dead in US deer hunt dispute , and weirdest of all, White House rivals race to finish. I think it's a diabolical combination of cabin fever and cheese-related constipation.
***ADDED BY REESE: WWW.WEIRD-WI.COM See for yourself!
Spicolli directed my attention toward this cool ass painting, in which I'm seriously considering buying a poster of.
Robotics, working in the garage, a can of TAB soda, and Christopher Walken.... move over Michelangelo, this is a work of REAL art! Brandon Bird's site has some interesting finds.
Some days I stroll into work just happy that the world hasn't ended yet... but the next 3.5 years will surely be scary won't they, kids?
Headline: Bush cancels Earth Day visit
Verdict: Bush told environmentalist that he was really really looking forward to attending this event, but couldn't go because he had left something burning on the stove.
Headline: Utility workers electrocuted
Verdict: Here's something I was taught when I was 8...remember kids, don't monkey around power lines! Apparently the death of the two victims knocked out power in the Bandera,TX area for about 15 minutes.... 15 MINUTES!!!!
Headline: Navajo Nation Slated To Vote On Same-Sex Marriage Ban
Verdict: When a minority group that has gone through tough times and prejudice themselves start showing no love to homosexuality and loving same-sex marriages, it brings to light that being gay is apparently on a whole other level of hatred and bigotry than anything else in America.
Headline: Pope 'prayed not to be elected'
Verdict: Either (A) There is no god, (B) God doesn't even grant prayer requests from mighty cardinals, or (C) Prayer is a complete waste of time and no one is listening.
Headline: Church youth group leader accused of abuse
Verdict: I'm thankful that somehow I've managed to go through several years of Catechism with an unsullied ass! This guy was just a youth group leader... I guess even the minions are getting in on the action now.
Headline: Police: 'Can you hear me now?' robbers sought
Verdict: Verizon's been robbing their customers for years with high overage charges and roaming while inside the coverage area!!! It's about damn time someone took notice.
Headline: Truck Spills Cheese On I-465 in Indiana, Causes Backup
Verdict: And in Wisconsin, they weep as flags are at half-mast.
Headline: Bush seeks Saudi help on oil prices
Verdict: There's a glory hole joke in there somewhere... hehe J/K.
"At the time of Galileo the Church remained much more faithful to reason than Galileo himself. The process against Galileo was reasonable and just"
Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger, Corriere della Sera, March 30, 1990; 30 Dias, January 1993, p. 34.
Headline: Two groups claim downing of Iraq copter
Verdict: I'll tell you who's NOT going to calim responsibility for downed copters during this war... Boeing & Lockheed!
Headline: Woman who claimed to find finger in chili arrested
Verdict: My friend Rodney (aka Boom Boom) is always touting about a "Fickle Finger of Fate" and how he's always on the search for "good" chili. If there's a reward for turning in potential suspects, I'd like to believe that he'd forgive me if the price was too high to turn down. :-)
Headline: Officer's gun goes off in restroom
Verdict: There's a glory hole joke in there somewhere. Please amuse yourselves on this one.
Headline: State deals with priest shortage
Verdict: Good thing the article title is misleading and that the Hawaii State government is not involed at all. If I were a priest, I'd think that Hawaii was one of the better places to go. Apparently, there is a priest shortage everywhere and the catholic church wants to boost numbers. Letting them marry is one solution, but it's not going to happen. Now that the carefree altar boy fuck frenzy days are a thing of the past (thanks to media coverage and bad PR), pedophiles are reluctant to join the clergy as well. So why the celebacy? If a good christian man marries and has sex every night, enjoying the wonderful gift of orgasm from the lord, then dies and goes to heaven... why take the path of celibacy to get to the same damn pearly gates of heaven? Humans usually always take the path of more pleasure... and who am I to argue with mother nature's pleasurably layed out plan?
Headline: Teen's Presidential Wish Granted
Verdict: So little Joshua had cancer and made a wish to see President Bush and get a D.C. tour. I'd think that if I was dying that my last wish would be to visit such a prick, but then again, on my way to checking out, I may want to personally shake the hand of someone who would make me glad to be me and feel good about msyelf in that I'm not nearly as big a loser or asshole as he is.
Headline: School takeover plan goes to full board
Verdict: Four (also pronounced 'Foe' in certain neighborhoods) MORE Knue Orlunz Public Skools are beeing take-in over bye outside organizationz. Knot sure what dis bringz da towtal up two, butt swallow deez statisticalz: New Orleans haz 55 of Louisiana's 78 wurst performin' schulz. Being dat I grue up and went too school just a fue milez frum New Orleans, it's a wundar dat eye kan reed at all.
Headline: Son Slays Mother Over AOL Account
Verdict: Lawyers say that sentancing could result anywhere from 438,000 hours free to life in prison.
Headline: Paula Abdul: I'm 'not addicted to pills'
Verdict: Straight up now tell me it isn't so, Paula! You don't have to convince me, Paula.. I already don't give a shit. I dislike you either way. Fat, thin, healthy, full of anal cancer.. it really doesn't matter to me. Lame ass celebrities and their silly meaningless problems! Pop a big pill of cyanide for all I care.. but don't expect MY sympathy nor any flowers on your grave.... my life will and always shall be more important than meaningless and especially skill & talent lacking celebrities. You know who you are!
|Your Inner European is Italian!|
You show the world what culture really is.
Yup, my inner Sicilian (Italian) helps me appreciate the greasier things in life... my inner German lurks in my feelings of superioirity and engineering know-how... and my inner Cajun French is only apparently in last name and an undeniable love for shrimp po-boys!
Via Rox Populi
|Your Inner European is Spanish!|
Sim, Tenha uma chope de casa! Tem um titolo. Estou 'Programador/Analisto do Desenvolvimento Web.' Não mau? Estudo português do Brasil. Falo bem?
OK, so I started learning Brazilian Portuguese last night. As I suspected it is enough like the Spanish I had all those years ago in Junior High, that I can squeak out a sentence or two without having to do an online translation. The pronunciation is tricky, but the language might actually be somewhat easier since, according to Teach Yourself anyway, there the present tense has 3 forms rather than the 5 I studied in Spanish.
On the same trip to the bookstore I also got Charles Papazian's magisterial The Complete Joy of Homebrewing Third Edition. The man's motto is "relax, don't worry, have a homebrew." This is where I think my head needs to be. I need to stop reading the news and spend more times growing my own hops. Apparently they can grow as fast as a foot a day in the summer. What a perfect combination of quiet satisfaction and instant gratification!
I also saw my old trivia captain. He extended to me an invitation to go to workout and go play trivia Monday at Fin McCools, at the the Bulldog on Tuesdays, a new game on Wednesdays at Friar Tuck's, Crown and Anchor on Thursday, and working out Saturday followed by trivia and Sunday night trivia and maybe ... Oh yeah, that's why I'm not on the team anymore! No time for hobbies.
On a related topic I have an apointment with a shrink on Saturday.
BenedictXVI.com Owner Promises No Porn or Gambling. It was bound to happen. A quick survey of TLD's shows that The Holy See has most of the Vatican domain names iced up, but an enterprising smut-monger could probably find a niche.
Chavez: 'Mr. Danger' focused on Venezuela. <austinPowersVoice>Danger is only his middle name, Hugo.</austinPowersVoice> George Danger Bush, has a ring to it.
Elephants rampage through Seoul. Take one letter out and you have a good title for a history of the Religious Right.
GOP leaders face dissent in party. I guess titling the article 'GOP leaders face conscience in party' would be too accurate. It's like guys like John McCain who want to keep two centuries of congressional tradition going are nothing but nitpickers and quibblers. They should compromise and put 'conscience' in scare quotes, like earlier with "Poll: U.S. Catholics likely to follow 'conscience'." The weird thing about the pope coverage of late is that everyone feels they can cast judgement on who's being a good Catholic or not. Insane.
Ratzinger is elected as new Pope. This guy looks like John Paul II did at the time he was added to the Provocative Planet Deathwatch ListTM. Time to do some haggling with Reese on who gets this one.
Bush Backer Sues RNC Over 'W' Logo. The origin of the written letter in English is really 'double U': the 'W' sound of Classical Latin was represented by either 'U' or 'V' (so Caesar's 'veni, vidi, vici' was pronounced 'weni widi wici'), but in Mediaeval Latin the sound had become a 'V'. Both letters v and u were therefore ambiguous, and the sound was in Early English written as 'uu', or by the Runic symbol known as wyn. By the 14th century the modern ligatured form had become standard. (Note to self - in the future don't do free research for RNC)
How could my life be more futile at this point? Earth’s gravity may lure deadly asteroid. "It might put 2004 MN4 on course for a collision in 2034 or a year or two later: the unpredictability of its behaviour means that the danger might not become apparent until it is too late." Oh that's how. Extinction anyone? It'll just be rats, cockroaches and Ann Coulter, lovely.
Robots to ride camels at races next season. One day they have robot camel jockeys the next they have WMD. We must invade their countries, kill their leaders and convert them to Christiantity. (Note to self - don't do anymore research for evil, leggy, blonde wenches.)
Who's Donated Money to Tom DeLay’s Legal Expense Trust. Quite a level of corporate philanthropy. Is there a limit to contributions to legal expense trusts? It shouldn't be like campaign money, right? You don't run for congress expecting to get indicted, right? I ask because at first I suspected that Miller isn't on the list because it's owned by a South African company. In any event, Delay is probably sending this link around to start a bidding war.
Being that I'm in the last two week stretch of my current job, it's like a long, drug-out, slow farewell... kinda like the whole pope funeral, except that my ordeal has a definite ending in sight (on the 29th of April). In the meanwhile, I'll make it easier for my predecessor and document things and finish up a couple of other things.... all in the name of having the consumer enjoy the best damn daiquiri in all of Louisiana (and beyond)! Apparently, computers and alcohol do mix, but I don't find it to be a job that I love to do, personally. What does this mean for the several (if that) readers we have here at Provocative Planet? Great things! More articles! More funny! More angst!!! Teaming up with Spicolli is the kind of thing that would make us radio gods, if we were to persue a disc jockey morning show career. The Reese & Spicolli Show would be dynomite! Are we that good? Well, we're better than most of the crap that I've heard on the radio, and that shit is PRODUCED! From the "twins" on 106.1FM (check them out!) who are the epitomy of trailer trash radio.. they are not only obviously unintelligent, unentertaining, but even their voices are annoying as all hell. Why does this bother me so? After all, I could easily change the channel... well it doesn't bother me at all, I'm just stating my opinion of it. They cater to a crowd of simpletons, which is great, because the local New Orleans Metro area is chock full of them. They are probably the worst of what is available, but the rest are not too far off. Walton and Johnson have a good thing going... I remember listening to them on the way to middle school, but now I can more understand their political and social humor. I don't listen to NPR, because the news is depressing enough, and that combined with road rage would only have nasty results! So what is the problem, Reese? I thought you said that this doesn't bother you... well the content doesn't bother me so much as the situation does, but only because the FCC dishes out a handful of licenses... quite unfair that there are a finite amount of legal broadcast stations and they are all owned by practically one company or two. I very much disagree with a lot of FCC regulations and rules. Before the internet, people could be influenced by whatever messages the media monopoly chose to transmit, and you know how easily influenced the American public is. Still they have a stronghold on shaping the nation of idiots... education is probably the only weapon against it. And as I may not have all of the answers, I do feel that the current situation is just plain wrong and needs fixing.
Your Linguistic Profile:
|55% General American English|
|15% Upper Midwestern|
Headline: Police: Boy Tries to sell fake drugs
Verdict: Wow! Chalmette is in the CNN news! An elementary school boy tried to sell ground up ibuprofen and pass it on as drugs on a school bus. Buyer beware! Anyone user who remotely wants any of the good shit, surely wouldn't be purchasing his stash from a 12 year old anyway.
Headline: Sacramento Passes Street Racing Spectator Law
Verdict: It's REALLY not safe to go outside now... for in the forward-thinking town of Sacramento, it's a crime to even witness a crime! See no evil?
Headline: Woman Says Stalker Calls 1,000 Times A Month
Verdict: If you can't beat 'em, join 'em! By signing onto Cingular, now they can both talk anywhere, anytime, for FREE!
Headline: Milwaukee Father Charged For Allegedly Holding Son Under Water And Hitting Him
Verdict: Ah Wisconsinites! This ain't shit, though... I hear that up there, the REAL bad fathers EAT their young if they're bad (or if they just get drunk and hungry)!
Headline: Kidnapping In Iraq Shocks Northern Indiana City
Verdict: Being that a kidnapping in Iraq shouldn't shock anyone, I'm convinced that the city of Laporte, Indiana is located deep inside a cave.
Headline: 20 die in Paris hotel fire
Verdict: My God, can you just imagine the stench??
Some old lady, about 81 years old, found a way to hit her husband, the car lot salesman, another parked car, a tree, and a wall... all during her initial steps towards a test drive. Scary shit! Was this in Florida? You betcha! I recently saw a funny episode of Southpark in which the old people driving were considered roadside reapers, causing deaths and not even realizing it. I've always said that the proper way to solve these problems is to give a test to every citizen re-applying for driver's license renewal, regardless of their age. Why? This way it's not age discrimination, it's just a test to see if you have the required hand/eye coordination, proper reaction time, comprehention of the road rules, and understanding on how to operate a motor vehicle. Sometimes I see an old lady, barely peering over the steering wheel, going about half of the speed limit... is this because normal speeds are too fast to react to? The interstate is not a place for pussies or slow asses. The problem with driving is that we are all at the mercy of the other's on the road... that said, it would be nice if we had better roads, like an autobahn type interstate...that would be ideal, but this is America, so don't count on it happening. It is probably pretty damn inconsiderate to get onto the interstate and move the far left lane and go slower than people in the other lanes are going, but that's every asshole's perrogative and that's life, right? And will someone tell me if it is really LEGAL for a dump truck full of rocks to not be liable and responsible for spewing debris all over the interstate? Isn't that littering anyway? If I throw rocks out of my window or strap on a used kitty litter box to the roof, is that ok? As long as I have a sign saying to stay 500 feet back and that I'm not responsible for damage to your car or worse? What vehicle has the legal rights to over 500 feet of roadspace anyway? You can be 500 feet back, but that doesn't make you safer.. rocks bounce and bounce until they hit something.. the truck can be three lanes over and 1000 feet in front of you, and you could get smacked. I doubt that it is legal for I am sure I'd get pulled over if I had a trunk full of marbles, rocks, dildos, and wrenches and the trunk was open and they were flying and bouncing behind my little Ford Focus. Sometimes, they have tarps covering the load. The tarps on those trucks hardly do shit anyway, for the rocks find a way out as the truck bounces, hits holes, or just takes turns. In conclusion, these are just two more small pieces of America that truly suck.
A few months ago, I had heard an interview with the authors Freakonomics on NPR. Rox posts about their most controversial conclusion: that legalized abortion been a positive factor in curbing the crime rate.
I was a bit surprised to see this, as the first time I mentioned this research to a friend of mine, she outright dissmissed it as racist. Probably the wrong tack. on this issue. The problem is placing basic human rights into the hands utilitarian economists.
India Infosys plans to hire 12,600 employees this FY - Apr. 14, 2005. Business is booming in India.
I remeber in the 80's they used to portray Japan as a freighteningly efficient nation bent on dominating us. Is it just me or is it hard to create a similar image of a country where cows wander the streets?
True to Ritual, House Votes for Full Repeal of Estate Tax. The part of te ritual that isn't broadcast on C-SPAN consists mainly of sacrificing a bum followed by an orgy on a bed of hundred dollar bills.
Dragnet grabs 10,000 fugitives. Wow, Gonzales is clearing the streets. I've been too hard on Alberto Gonzales, I mean listen to these results: "Among the 10,340 people captured between April 4 and April 10 are 162 accused or convicted of murder, 638 wanted for armed robbery, 553 wanted for rape or sexual assault, 154 gang members and 106 unregistered sex offenders, 651 people with 'No Blood for Oil' bumper stickers." Lets see them try to see Bush speak now!
Maytag recalls 636,000 Hoover vacuums. I would participate in this recall, but I have too much of an intimate relationship with my U6423-900.
I really do hate reading the news.. mainstream or obscure.. it's all pretty damn depressing. Take a look:
Headline: Police: Woman sold daughter for car
Verdict: Such a shame! Selling your daughter for a Mercury Cougar! I wouldn't settle for anything less than a Buick. It's a sad world isn't it? My poor friend Spicolli would sells himself for a mere Ford Festiva. Guess it's a buyers market!
Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades
Python gets serious. Terry Jones writes the only book on Chaucer to feature the author in drag the dust jacket.
The Man Date. Belying the much touted Red State-Blue State dichotomy, two straight men going to an art museum is worthy of feature section coverage in the New York Times. Wow! I have to say I am rather partial to the 'Red State' ethos that men should only spend time together playing football, arm wrestling or kicking each others ass for looking at one another funny.
B&B guests drawn to big cats. A winery/hotel with tigers in the back. What's the worst that could happen?
Urban, Wilson Take Top CMT Awards Honors. Is it ironic that one of the top artists in country music has 'Urban' as a surname? You see my irony detector exploded with my TV. (Gratuitous in joke:) "'Kenny Chesney will take his shirt off at the drop of a hat,' Foxworthy cracked." Uh-huh.
Military Bill Carries Range of Extra Spending. It's a pork filled docket rocket! Not much about body armor, but plenty about mineral rights, border tightening and aid to the Palestinians. They should just be greedy and extend the PATRIOT ACT and add private accounts to Social Security while their at it. What's worst is that probably the only way Dianne Feinstein could get aid for landslide damage is to join this shambolic feeding frenzy. It is almost certain that the Republican echo chamber will cry:"but the other side is doing it too" on account of this desperate measure. Technically true but in the same way a kid who murders his parents asks for leniency because he's an orphan.
It may hurt their feelings and make them cry, but it is your duty to refuse pop stars requests to sleep with your underage children.
Headline: Naval Academy student found dead outside dorm
Verdict: Sure is more heroic and dignified military death than being blown up by yet another suicide bomber.
Headline: Sources: Dancer injured at fire station
Verdict: Fire Station's are no place to be dancing a jig!
Ok, so these are lame... I can't help it, I don't write the news!
What's on President Bush's iPod? 'My Sharona' and More. (Gratuitious in joke) Kenny Chesney?
You may think that you are pure of heart.. that you have the integrity to never sell out to your principles... but I beg to differ, for every man has his price. When I say man, I also mean women as my reference to man is to represent mankind, ok? This story, "School to pay students for tips on campus crime" , goes right along with my theory that every man has his price. How good of loyal friends do you have to be to turn town $100 as a teenager? You may may be the most patriotic individual to walk the face of America. You may have a collectoin of flags from each decade since the US was formed. You may have served in the Army, then became a Senator... or even President. So, a man like this could not possible sell out his patriotism, or could he? If given the choice, most people would probably rather be rich in another country, than poor in the United States of America. This problem is human nature.. it's why government officials become corrupt.. it's why some free agents beg to be traded, it's why bands sell out to the corporate labels.. it's why soldiers go AWOL. No matter how much something may mean to you, nothing in the world means more to you than yourself. What is more important than your own life and existence? That's human nature.. it's the will to survive. It's a better you than me attitude. It's convincing yourself that it's about time that you get what you deserve.
Kerry Says Trickery Foiled Many Voters. He said this after a gang of kids and their dog took off his rubber mask and revealed him to actually be Mr. Henchley, the custodian of a dilapidated local mansion.
Bush's U.N. nominee ready for tough hearing. I think this is unfair. I think that it is wonderful that if a children's entertainer like Captain Kangaroo can climb the diplomatic ladder, this is exemplary of our egalitarian system of government. What you say he's not Captain Kangaroo? Never mind. OR...
When asked what he meant when he said "Cuba has WMD," Bolton grew agitated. "Can't you people take a joke?"
Abuse protest planned at Rome Mass. This was bound to happen. It's a small world with half the American press in Rome covering the Vatican. Senior producer for CNN wanders into Santa Maria Maggiore. He sees the Cardinal celebrating the mass. "Hey aren't you that guy who kept moving child-molesting priests all over New England?" Cardinal: "Umm." Producer:"Gosh, I really should have done some follow up on that story."
Prince Charles marries Camilla. Ah those crazy kids. Two divorcee's who had cheated on their spouses for thirty years. The two princes wrote "Charles and Camilla" on the Royal Bentley. It's somewhat like a Springer episode with more money.
Public schools wooing home-schooled students. See if they'd explained to me that the whole 'teaching-creation-as-science' thing was part of a scheme to get home schooled kids to a public school, I might not have been so hostile.
He was woken by strange dreams splicing the televised philosophical observations of a local chef over a fiery sermon on the importance of using spice in moderation.
He did not feel like doing anything that morning. He ate the grapefruit, salmon and broccoli recommended to him by his current diet. He settled on a tape from his collection to pass the time, in this case 'Saved by the Balls.' During the disrobing sequence of the cafeteria three way there was a blue flash and an audible pop as wisps of white smoke carried an incense of ozone to his nose ending the abrupt end of his visual stimulus. Shaken from the hypnotic spell of his gestures he quickly hops to his feet to unplug the set. He turned it over to inspect the wire which he discovered blameless leading unadulterated to the reeking back panel still producing wisps. He pulled up his trousers and pondered what to do next. The tape was still playing. He turned it off exasperated by the hum of the mechanism's futile translation of the elicit magnetic strip.
It seemed like only yesterday (in fact, it was the day before) that he had carried the tube home from work where it was given to him by his friend Reese. He had been scrupulously avoiding TV for almost a year and a half. When people would ask him about this outrageous decision, he'd say simply "It's brainwashing. I don't want to be brainwashed." But a year and a half was a long time. He was anxious as he carried the TV around, eliciting strange stares as he climbed the stairs of the bus and took the last remaining seat in the front, regrettably next to a sour looking man with a powerful stench. He was happy to finally be catching up on the mindlessness that passes for culture. He managed to see his first episode of Survivor, The O.C., Letterman as well as special documentaries for the Pope's funeral, children's shows, infomercials and finally, fatefully lots of porn. It was all too short.
While he pondered what to do with this forlorn object he managed to complete a half hour of housework, energized for a change by blue balls. At the end he decided it would be safe to leave it while he went out for the day as it had not been smoking in this time.
He hopped the Vets bus at half past noon resolving to finish transferring his friends wedding. It had been almost three weeks now, and he suspected that at a month his image would pass from garden-variety procrastinator into the realm of irresponsible asshole. On the bus he pondered that living without TV had probably inflated this benchmark.
Arriving he set to work, gamely dealing with dozens of video capture errors to get all of the tape on the computer in real time, he finished in about an hour and a half. It should be explained that this was after a few hours of playing games, reading blogs and email.
It was a beautiful spring evening and he went downstairs to investigate the reports of great hamburgers. The restaurant in the building had been part of a chain, now the knick-knacks and red stripes had been taken town and major construction was underway. He learned from the bartender that it was going to be a piano bar. He wondered to himself if a piano bar could be translated into the suburbs as he half-watched the hockey tournament on the big screen.
"Bob and Laura are getting married" the bartender said.
"Yeah, it's great. but in Alabama."
"Yeah, I'm going to try to make it, but that's a busy weekend."
"I'll probably send a gift. Do you know where they're registered?"
"Maybe just a card then... You know Bob thinks that I nurse one beer all night. Can you believe that?"
"Well, he is blind."
"Oh I know. Still... Can I have another one?"
So beer number two in hand he watched hockey. He noticed one of the new waiters was pretty hot and tried to be subtle while starring at his ass, figuring it's got to work one of these times. He decided he'd done enough, and that finishing the tape would be easy now. After finishing the burger (it was pretty good actually), he went home.
Yes, it may be true! Actually, I don't usually like to write about entertainment stuff, but this is something that many people I know grew up on. "'C' is for Cookie", I'd sing in my superman underwear and matching t-shirt. I grew up on delicious chocolate chip cookies, myself. Never was I a big OREO fan, but if that was all that was left, I'd make do. I even had a method of taking the cookies (usually Chips Ahoy) and placing them in a cup of milk.. then, I'd watch the milk slowly fill in the pourous areas of the chip, until the delicious morsel was no longer boyant thus sinking, like a small island off of the eroding Louisiana coastline, to the bottom of the cup.. but as it started to sink, I'd grab it and eat it... nice and soft now, and with just the right cookie to milk ratio! Yes, the cookie monster was a hero of mine.. and did I turn out to be obese? Actually, I'm 6'0 and 165lbs... even a little below the average weight for my height. What's next? Will Mr. Clean or the local health inspector visit Oscar The Grouch and explain sanitation habits, bacteria, and disease to him? Probably not, but in the world where the status quo seems to always win... welcome the new age, where everyone knows the wrong way to raise your children, but no one knows the right way. Even McDonalds is getting in on the act... there's a health movement that's come about recently and blame is being spread everywhere (just like most issues), from TV, Movies, Fast Food, Parents, Schools, etc... Who's right? Who has the right? Public schools should provide unbiased information on how the body works and what effect different ingredients in different kinds of food will do when ingested into the human body. That said, it's the parent's job to encourage the ritual of eating habits (if any) to their offspring, which may vary from family to family. If the family wants to teach fast food as a food group, that's their perrogative, and when the kids grows up fat and miserable, he can shoot or sue (harmful neglect?) his parents after therapy proves his depression was all caused from a slothish youth. This way, if the parents fail, which many do, the kids will at least be informed all the way through high school on the cause and affect of what is eaten.
Cnn poses the question to their viewers:
***Should daylight-saving time be extended by two months?***
Here's a better question... Should daylight-saving time be abolished?
What is the purpose of this archaic ritual? A writer in 1947 wrote, "I don't really care how time is reckoned so long as there is some agreement about it, but I object to being told that I am saving daylight when my reason tells me that I am doing nothing of the kind. I even object to the implication that I am wasting something valuable if I stay in bed after the sun has risen. As an admirer of moonlight I resent the bossy insistence of those who want to reduce my time for enjoying it. At the back of the Daylight Saving scheme I detect the bony, blue-fingered hand of Puritanism, eager to push people into bed earlier, and get them up earlier, to make them healthy, wealthy and wise in spite of themselves." Well done, sir! Benjamin Franklin had a good idea at the time, but nowadays, there is little reason for it. Even some farmers do not like the idea, as their day starts at dawn. They often dislike the clocks changing mid year. Poultry producer Marty Notenbomer notes, "The chickens do not adapt to the changed clock until several weeks have gone by so the first week of April and the last week of October are very frustrating for us." Congress had to pass laws to keep everyone's clock in sync as late as the 1960's... doesn't this all just seem so unnecessary in the 21st century?
I was watching an interesting piece on the seven wonders of the world yesterday on my television set. I love the cool shit you can learn on Discovery, TLC, The Science Channel, and The History Channel.. it's like PBS, but with better produced or newer shows. It's one of the few things that make T.V. worth watching. Can I stomach through American Idol? Can I force myself to watch a daytime soap? Not at all.. it's the same reason I don't eat mayonnaise... I can feel myself getting fatter doing so.. same thing with crappy low-brow pointless shows on the tube.. I can feel myself getting dumber just by watching them. Will I watch something entertaining? Sure, especially if it's well written and good. I can admire Futurama, Simpsons, and Family Guy. I think that Damon Wayans is the funniest Wayans brother, hands down. I guess I have a sore spot for good, well written and/or performed comedy. George Carlin will always be king. Gone are Phil Hartman, John Candy, and even Chris Farley who are all guys that I enjoyed watching growing up. Sometimes I wonder the what-ifs... what if Kurt Cobain, Elvis, Jimi Hendrix, John Lennon, and Freddie Mercury were alive today... would they have colaborated on some things? It's always a shame when good or serious talent falls into an untimely demise. Sometimes I'm puzzled by what is deemed talented or great. Britney Spears... not very intelligent... doesn't write her own songs... is a mediocre singer and is not really that special in the looks department either... so how did she become a mega-star? It's a complete insult to those who are truly talented... those who may write, sing, AND play instruments. That's admirable.. respectable.. and results in better music overall. Spicolli thinks that I should run for a small political seat in St. Bernard.. but I fear that my political and social views would be looked down upon in my hometown.. they are more conservative and backwards than most of the country... or maybe more of the country is like Chalmette than I tend to believe or have seen. I can only hope to win them over with logic and reasoning.... maybe convince them that my views are based upon fairness and what's right for all... not a majority or a minority. But that won't fly.. people tend to want theirs and always at the expense of someone else. That's life and that's America.
You can choose your friends and you can chose your enemies, but you can't chose family!
I just went out to get a post lunch snack and came back to find this steaming log floating in my inbox (I have stripped out the 5 fonts and 6 colors for sake of clarity):
Both funny AND scary, when you think about it all!
Headlines from the year 2029
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formally known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States' crops and livestock.
Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.
Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Iraq, Syria, and Lebanon).
Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise are the keys to weight loss.
Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut. (hey! I just sent it. I didn't write it!)
Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.
Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.
Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.
I don't see why I should have to think about the list when the person who wrote it didn't do much of his own beyond an hour of Excellence in Broadcasting nonsense absorption. Well if I must...
Why is it that the Coulters and Limbaughs of the world can get away with saying that I delight in imagining what's going wrong in America when these dystopian visions are taken has humor? This list exists is more evidence of a deep insecurity among conservatives. Wearing 'Bush Country' shirts with their sea of red counties, owning all the networks, holding most of the Governorships, most of the state legislatures, the House, Senate, Presidency and 5/9ths of the Supreme Court does nothing to succour their paranoia.
I can't find a version online older than August of last year, but some items, like the spotted owl, are Clinton era references and suggest a long life of accumulated bile.
It's tempting to be harsh on the 'what if...x...makes-ya-think' mode popular among Conservatives. In the rare event they criticise of Bush, they get back into character with a lame "What if Gore were president, makes ya think." Or more recently: what if you replaced the 'religious right' with the word 'Jews' how would it read then? makes you think. That said though if you can't beat 'em join 'em:
The demand for oil outstrips the demand for the first time, China and India go to war over Indonesia, the last remaining OPEC nation not occupied by the United States. [Oil supply to peak sooner than we think, says BP scientist]
New drug resistant strains of herpes, gonorrhea, syphilis, genital warts and AIDS decimates the United States as the second generation of children is raised on abstinence only Sex Ed. comes of age with congenital conditions [After the promise: The STD consequences of adolescent virginity pledges]
After years of legal battles, ADM announces the first commercially available human/animal chimera, a mix of human and other primate traits designed for agricultural work. [Gods, Monsters: Talking apes, flying pigs, superhumans with armadillo attributes, and other strange considerations of Dr. Stuart Newman's fight to patent a human/animal chimera]
Four years after invading Saudi Arabia, two years after cancelling the Hajj for security reasons, attacks on Americans reach levels comparable to those found in Israel. Wall completed around oil pipelines [The PowerPoint that Rocked the Pentagon]
Still no WMD in Iraq [Panel: Agencies 'dead wrong' on WMD]
France regrets accepting Paul Wolfowitz to head the World Bank as they apply for development funds and are forced to outlaw striking.
George Bush dies suddenly of an aneurysm on the treadmill at age 83, during the three month funeral coverage, the U.S. annexes Panama, Columbia and Venezuela. [Chavez Casts Himself as the Anti-Bush]
New federal law requires that all miscarriages, still-births, strange hotel sheet stains, and nocturnal emissions must be registered by January 2036. [Justice Miscarried]
Diebold invents telepathic voting machines, insist it is 100% accurate and makes voters actually showing up to vote unnecessary [BlackBoxVoting.Org]
failing to prepare is preparing to fail
The worst president ever is doing it again! Winning scores of fans with his wit, charm, and agenda! Just like ole Jefferson did back in the early 1800's. Old people are getting as fed up with this asshole as the young-ins. Take away your cheaper Canadian drugs, Social Security retirement money, raise taxes, raise gas prices, and the top it off by insulting the proud veteran men and women from WWII with this disgraceful, very false intelligence-driven fiasco in Iraq, and you'd be pretty darn fed up as well. I've seen an AARP commercial that was pretty good using an analogy by basically saying that if you have a messed up drain, would you tear down the entire house?... and comparing that with what Bush is trying to do with Social Security. Well America, Jeb is coming to ask for your vote soon.. what will you do then? Is the 3rd time the charm, or do you see a horrific and shallow republican gene pool a brewing? America, you are smarter than that... aren't you?
Just like I said... The CNN John Paul II Obituary was primed and waiting.. and now, it's been unveiled! Why, they've got a whole "Remembering the Pope" interactive! Yes, we are probably all going to die, and it's a good idea to get the web guys and writers working on obits that may not happen for years to come.. I mean sometimes it's a slow celebrity death season. Now that this is done, Pope John Paul II can enjoy the benefits that come with a near mid-year death... Time's Man of the Year... an MTV Lifetime Achievement Award...Sexiest Man of 2005... a Grammy, and maybe even a Nobel Peace Prize! I'd like to get in on the action and purchase some stock in the company that produces little Pope fridge magnets! Yes... you thought that the Schiavo thing was going to go on forever.. now the "out with the old and in with the new" Pope fiasco will have us drooling for new coverage from the "give 'em what they want, but not necessarily the actual news" media. So.. farewell guy.. you were a great man who truly cared for humanity. Maybe misguided with mumbo jumbo cultish beliefs, but still a good intentioned guy. I admire that. I respect that. But I don't believe that you represent my religious leader in any way. Just another good man, who just happened to be adored by millions.
Looks as alive as ever!
The Old Watertower with The Hancock Tower. No large image.
Some buildings that looked cool at the time.
View of the city with the Rock-n-Roll McDonalds in the foreground.
Some Romanesque Revival Building, mistook it for the Glessner House
The Archbishop Quigley Seminary
For fellow Eames fetishists, pictures from Modernica below the break.
Well, I'll be heading back to town tomorrow. It's been an interesting week.
Coincidences seize the minds of man. It's easy to believe in divine intervention when something coincidental happens that fits into your world view. Sure being paranoid helps. I am almost certain that the fact that two earthquakes happened in Southeast Asia near Christian holy days is being spouted from pulpits as reason to repent. This in spite of the fact that neither day is really an anniversary of the events they are perported to be anniversaries of. Just yesterday one of the speakers gave a demo of map making software and by amazing coincidence the town they were mapping was my home town -- a town of 1933 souls about a mile and a half at it's longest. Things like that make people who haven't really committed to reason, per se, to wonder about forces beyond their control. "Is God telling me to go home?" one might think. Then the purpose of the that local became clear, it was a courtroom presentation on a manure run-off case. "God's reminding me that there's a chance of drinking cow poop water if I go home," one might think.
Watching TV this week reminds me why I don't have one. I think it was an anchor who said something like: "This Terri Schiavo thing has America divided right down the middle." Oh really? I think the polls mainly show that most people tend to agree with Michael. The shear volume of insanity was something else. I saw ET ask Pamela Anderson for her opinion on Schiavo. WTF!?!?!?!
Big up to Prince Charles though. I'm amazed he hasn't snapped sooner. You may be saying, what snapping. He just muttered "I hate these bloody people." That might be expected if he were an American prince, like say when Bush muttered about a Times reporter that he was a 'major league asshole.' The British stereotype is that hold it in or are witty about it at least, so I guess that somewhat explains the shock. Still I think this is a case of the pervasive make-the-headline-bigger style of TV News.
Saw Sam Harris on O'Reilly too this week. He managed to hold his own, it seemed. It has galvanized my resolve to read his book.
OK almost our of time. More later
APRIL FOOL!!! Hehe.. I wish! And while we're removing tubes, let's just let the individual that you call "The Pope" die already! Stop being hypocrites! If God is trying to reel his ass into Heaven, why do you lowly mortals keep trying to smite the Almighty's attempts? If I were Catholic, I'd think that you all are going to HELL! You guys remind me of the caring and loving individuals with the "PRO-LIFE" bumper sticker on their cars.. who just so happen to be the same cold blooded killers that bomb abortion clinics. "CHOOSE LIFE, KILL A DOCTOR!" is their battle hymn! And no, I don't bitch like this in the hopes that I will, in some seriously small way, improve the world.. it's self therapy in that I need to let out my pressure-built frustrations at some point!
Headline: One injured in gun battle
Verdict: This is actually front page material in Nebraska! They are so starved for REAL news events.. well.. move to New Orleans where some Murders and Rapes don't even make the LAST page.
Headline: Proposed Downtown Lofts For Homeless Upsetting Neighbors
Verdict: Problem solves itself as they would not be homeless people anymore once they move into the lofts.
Headline: Girl hit by car on way to grandmother's
Verdict: Looks like the big bad wolf got himself bitchin, pimped-out Cadillac!
Headline: Fake Cops Taking Guns, Money From Seniors
Verdict: Real cops find themselves in the wrong business.
Headline: Police find body during search for suspect
Verdict: What did they exect to find?
Headline: Vatican: Pope's Condition Grave
Verdict: Is "Grave" really appropriate? I'm offended and shocked! Pope's Condition Creamy! Now that's more like it! Sad truth is.. you know that CNN has had that John Paul II Obituary ready and waiting for YEARS in standby! The web guru's at CNN are probably salvating with anticipation to drop that link onto the frontpage! Well.. your day will come... possibly sooner than later.
Have a good weekend!! Kill someone! Steal some furniture! Start a neighborhood orgy! In any case, have fun.
Of course, such a wicked scam could ONLY come from WISCONSIN! The last 3 letters of the state spell out 'SIN' and that's enough proof for me! May the almighty God destroy this festering bunghole of society rejects! "I've been made to feel as if I can't represent the disabled citizens of Wisconsin because I'm not disabled enough," Janeal Lee said. Bah! You should have known what a tough and insensitive business the Ms. Wheelchair pagent can be! And besides, most of the people in that state are mentally handicapped anyway, so competition is uber-thick!! Wax your legs, pluck your brow, fix that hair... but still not enough!!! ... perfection is what you need to be, and to be pefrect, you must adhere to strict CRIPPLE standards! Of course if you want real sympathy from the public or government, you'll have to be damn near dead... so move on sister! Get out of my face! And don't come back until you're a drooling, smelly, bedsore-ridden pile of motionless human flesh!!!