April 5, 2005

Spam Filter Breached

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I just went out to get a post lunch snack and came back to find this steaming log floating in my inbox (I have stripped out the 5 fonts and 6 colors for sake of clarity):

Both funny AND scary, when you think about it all!

Headlines from the year 2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formally known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States' crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Iraq, Syria, and Lebanon).

Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise are the keys to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut. (hey! I just sent it. I didn't write it!)

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.

I don't see why I should have to think about the list when the person who wrote it didn't do much of his own beyond an hour of Excellence in Broadcasting nonsense absorption. Well if I must...

Why is it that the Coulters and Limbaughs of the world can get away with saying that I delight in imagining what's going wrong in America when these dystopian visions are taken has humor? This list exists is more evidence of a deep insecurity among conservatives. Wearing 'Bush Country' shirts with their sea of red counties, owning all the networks, holding most of the Governorships, most of the state legislatures, the House, Senate, Presidency and 5/9ths of the Supreme Court does nothing to succour their paranoia.

I can't find a version online older than August of last year, but some items, like the spotted owl, are Clinton era references and suggest a long life of accumulated bile.

It's tempting to be harsh on the 'what if...x...makes-ya-think' mode popular among Conservatives. In the rare event they criticise of Bush, they get back into character with a lame "What if Gore were president, makes ya think." Or more recently: what if you replaced the 'religious right' with the word 'Jews' how would it read then? makes you think. That said though if you can't beat 'em join 'em:

The demand for oil outstrips the demand for the first time, China and India go to war over Indonesia, the last remaining OPEC nation not occupied by the United States. [Oil supply to peak sooner than we think, says BP scientist]

New drug resistant strains of herpes, gonorrhea, syphilis, genital warts and AIDS decimates the United States as the second generation of children is raised on abstinence only Sex Ed. comes of age with congenital conditions [After the promise: The STD consequences of adolescent virginity pledges]

After years of legal battles, ADM announces the first commercially available human/animal chimera, a mix of human and other primate traits designed for agricultural work. [Gods, Monsters: Talking apes, flying pigs, superhumans with armadillo attributes, and other strange considerations of Dr. Stuart Newman's fight to patent a human/animal chimera]

President Santorum expels the homosexuals from the U.S. Begins an inquisition. [Spreading Santorum | The Spanish Expulsion, 1492]

Four years after invading Saudi Arabia, two years after cancelling the Hajj for security reasons, attacks on Americans reach levels comparable to those found in Israel. Wall completed around oil pipelines [The PowerPoint that Rocked the Pentagon]

Still no WMD in Iraq [Panel: Agencies 'dead wrong' on WMD]

France regrets accepting Paul Wolfowitz to head the World Bank as they apply for development funds and are forced to outlaw striking.

George Bush dies suddenly of an aneurysm on the treadmill at age 83, during the three month funeral coverage, the U.S. annexes Panama, Columbia and Venezuela. [Chavez Casts Himself as the Anti-Bush]

New federal law requires that all miscarriages, still-births, strange hotel sheet stains, and nocturnal emissions must be registered by January 2036. [Justice Miscarried]

Diebold invents telepathic voting machines, insist it is 100% accurate and makes voters actually showing up to vote unnecessary [BlackBoxVoting.Org]

Posted by Spicolli' at April 5, 2005 7:15 AM