April 10, 2005

Easy Come, Easy Go

He was woken by strange dreams splicing the televised philosophical observations of a local chef over a fiery sermon on the importance of using spice in moderation.

He did not feel like doing anything that morning. He ate the grapefruit, salmon and broccoli recommended to him by his current diet. He settled on a tape from his collection to pass the time, in this case 'Saved by the Balls.' During the disrobing sequence of the cafeteria three way there was a blue flash and an audible pop as wisps of white smoke carried an incense of ozone to his nose ending the abrupt end of his visual stimulus. Shaken from the hypnotic spell of his gestures he quickly hops to his feet to unplug the set. He turned it over to inspect the wire which he discovered blameless leading unadulterated to the reeking back panel still producing wisps. He pulled up his trousers and pondered what to do next. The tape was still playing. He turned it off exasperated by the hum of the mechanism's futile translation of the elicit magnetic strip.

It seemed like only yesterday (in fact, it was the day before) that he had carried the tube home from work where it was given to him by his friend Reese. He had been scrupulously avoiding TV for almost a year and a half. When people would ask him about this outrageous decision, he'd say simply "It's brainwashing. I don't want to be brainwashed." But a year and a half was a long time. He was anxious as he carried the TV around, eliciting strange stares as he climbed the stairs of the bus and took the last remaining seat in the front, regrettably next to a sour looking man with a powerful stench. He was happy to finally be catching up on the mindlessness that passes for culture. He managed to see his first episode of Survivor, The O.C., Letterman as well as special documentaries for the Pope's funeral, children's shows, infomercials and finally, fatefully lots of porn. It was all too short.

While he pondered what to do with this forlorn object he managed to complete a half hour of housework, energized for a change by blue balls. At the end he decided it would be safe to leave it while he went out for the day as it had not been smoking in this time.

He hopped the Vets bus at half past noon resolving to finish transferring his friends wedding. It had been almost three weeks now, and he suspected that at a month his image would pass from garden-variety procrastinator into the realm of irresponsible asshole. On the bus he pondered that living without TV had probably inflated this benchmark.

Arriving he set to work, gamely dealing with dozens of video capture errors to get all of the tape on the computer in real time, he finished in about an hour and a half. It should be explained that this was after a few hours of playing games, reading blogs and email.

It was a beautiful spring evening and he went downstairs to investigate the reports of great hamburgers. The restaurant in the building had been part of a chain, now the knick-knacks and red stripes had been taken town and major construction was underway. He learned from the bartender that it was going to be a piano bar. He wondered to himself if a piano bar could be translated into the suburbs as he half-watched the hockey tournament on the big screen.

"Bob and Laura are getting married" the bartender said.

"Yeah, it's great. but in Alabama."

"Yeah, I'm going to try to make it, but that's a busy weekend."

"I'll probably send a gift. Do you know where they're registered?"


"Maybe just a card then... You know Bob thinks that I nurse one beer all night. Can you believe that?"

"Well, he is blind."

"Oh I know. Still... Can I have another one?"


So beer number two in hand he watched hockey. He noticed one of the new waiters was pretty hot and tried to be subtle while starring at his ass, figuring it's got to work one of these times. He decided he'd done enough, and that finishing the tape would be easy now. After finishing the burger (it was pretty good actually), he went home.

Posted by Spicolli' at April 10, 2005 7:42 PM