April 22, 2005

Da Nuz Report (Brought to you by Muchies Chinese Buffet down on Cedar Road!)

Headline: Two groups claim downing of Iraq copter
Verdict: I'll tell you who's NOT going to calim responsibility for downed copters during this war... Boeing & Lockheed!

Headline: Woman who claimed to find finger in chili arrested
Verdict: My friend Rodney (aka Boom Boom) is always touting about a "Fickle Finger of Fate" and how he's always on the search for "good" chili. If there's a reward for turning in potential suspects, I'd like to believe that he'd forgive me if the price was too high to turn down. :-)

Headline: Officer's gun goes off in restroom
Verdict: There's a glory hole joke in there somewhere. Please amuse yourselves on this one.

Headline: State deals with priest shortage
Verdict: Good thing the article title is misleading and that the Hawaii State government is not involed at all. If I were a priest, I'd think that Hawaii was one of the better places to go. Apparently, there is a priest shortage everywhere and the catholic church wants to boost numbers. Letting them marry is one solution, but it's not going to happen. Now that the carefree altar boy fuck frenzy days are a thing of the past (thanks to media coverage and bad PR), pedophiles are reluctant to join the clergy as well. So why the celebacy? If a good christian man marries and has sex every night, enjoying the wonderful gift of orgasm from the lord, then dies and goes to heaven... why take the path of celibacy to get to the same damn pearly gates of heaven? Humans usually always take the path of more pleasure... and who am I to argue with mother nature's pleasurably layed out plan?

Headline: Teen's Presidential Wish Granted
Verdict: So little Joshua had cancer and made a wish to see President Bush and get a D.C. tour. I'd think that if I was dying that my last wish would be to visit such a prick, but then again, on my way to checking out, I may want to personally shake the hand of someone who would make me glad to be me and feel good about msyelf in that I'm not nearly as big a loser or asshole as he is.

Headline: School takeover plan goes to full board
Verdict: Four (also pronounced 'Foe' in certain neighborhoods) MORE Knue Orlunz Public Skools are beeing take-in over bye outside organizationz. Knot sure what dis bringz da towtal up two, butt swallow deez statisticalz: New Orleans haz 55 of Louisiana's 78 wurst performin' schulz. Being dat I grue up and went too school just a fue milez frum New Orleans, it's a wundar dat eye kan reed at all.

Headline: Son Slays Mother Over AOL Account
Verdict: Lawyers say that sentancing could result anywhere from 438,000 hours free to life in prison.

Headline: Paula Abdul: I'm 'not addicted to pills'
Verdict: Straight up now tell me it isn't so, Paula! You don't have to convince me, Paula.. I already don't give a shit. I dislike you either way. Fat, thin, healthy, full of anal cancer.. it really doesn't matter to me. Lame ass celebrities and their silly meaningless problems! Pop a big pill of cyanide for all I care.. but don't expect MY sympathy nor any flowers on your grave.... my life will and always shall be more important than meaningless and especially skill & talent lacking celebrities. You know who you are!

Posted by Reese at April 22, 2005 9:34 AM