April 27, 2005

I love freedom! Wish we had some around here!

Headline: Two men go hunting turkeys together, die of heart attacks
Verdict: Aww, how cute! Of course, if I were a turkey and saw two old geezers chasing me one minute and then laying dead the next, with rifles in their hand, I'd peck and rip them to shreds and then take a dump in their face.. better them than me, I'd say! It's just the kind of feel good story I needed and to know that for once, the turkey won. Fucking hunters should play fair... then it would truly be a sport.

Headline: Two guilty over Jakarta sex trade
Verdict: Yeah, I'll trade ya two hand jobs for a good rimming, sounds fair?

Headline: Lawmaker: NFL steroids policy 'not perfect'
Verdict: NFL: Congress policy 'even farther from perfect' ... When is congress going to stop wasting taxpayer money? When?? It's pot calling the kettle black to say that something is 'not perfect' to another organization anyway. Tom Davis is a straight up prick. Do you know why the quality of congressman are so low? Becuase anyone who's intelligent enough and qualified to be fair, just, and have integrity wouldn't dare get into politics. And simply said, congress needs to stay out of non-government business.

Headline: First lady rules out run on 'Tonight Show'
Verdict: That's a relief, she's probably even more incompetent than George... after all, she was dumb enough to marry him.

Headline: Contest Winner Doesn't Want Grand Opening Car
Verdict: A new dealership in Boulder, Colorado offered a drawing to win a car... when Daniel Barbiere was told that he won, he was shocked to see that the dealership was offering a 1993 Saturn LS with 125K miles, balding tires, a cracked windshield, and four different shades of paint on the body. You have to hand it to those crafty car dealerships for trying to pull a fast one.. of course being that it's a Ford dealership, it should come as no suprise. They offered to let him use the car as a trade-in as well.. I wouldn't do it Daniel.. believe it or not, I'd take the decrepit Saturn over a brand new Ford Focus anyday! (My 2000 Focus has been a nightmare piece of shit with umpteen recalls placed on it since I purchased it! Yes, I speak from experience here.)

Headline: Archbishop Kicks Off Fundraising Campaign
Verdict: Father O'Malley claims that funds have been lower lately in the Archdiocese of Boston since all of the priest sex scandals have been going down. Boo fucking hoo! I have a great idea.. how about the catholic religion makes it where all priests get castrated upon entry into the clergy... if you claim to be truly celebate, what do you need those dangling doodads for anymore? If you refuse, then you just aren't truly faithful to the cloth... case closed.

Headline: False alarm sends Bush to underground shelter
Verdict: For that brief moment when Bush was all snug up in his secluded bunker, I sure felt safer than I have in years.

Posted by Reese at April 27, 2005 10:03 AM

I bet Laura is holding out to fill in for Oprah.

Posted by: Spicolli at April 27, 2005 12:11 PM