October 29, 2005

It's been so long.. so I wonder:

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Where's Spicolli?

If you can't find him, shame on you! He's probably somewhere between here and there.. ditching the snow shovel for... well.. a regular shovel! Yeah! Hope his trip is a safe one... If he planned it right, he could have made it a multi-state adventure. So keep an eye peeled! If you see Spicolli driving through your state... take a picture and send it to us.. we'll give you an accumulated progressive jackpot of 100% of the profit we've made this year! Now remember.. pictures of James Spader and other look-alike fakes can be easily spotted by our team of expert Spicollinators. Fraudulent entries will be sent directly to the FBI!! Shit, we'll tell them that you told Karl Rove some confidential info... and then we'll see who's laughing when the hounds plan an indictment of you ass. Booh-yah! So play nice. and happy Spicolli hunting!

Posted by Reese at 12:59 AM

October 25, 2005

The Eagle Has Landed...

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Just my opinion on THIS matter... among many others.

Random Rants:
Sometimes I feel as if the government has turned it's back on me... it's a damn shame that I can't return the favor. Each day rolls by and I wait with as much patience as possible. I'm probably a damn patient guy in comparison to most. I never even yell at fast food employees while they are "taking their time plucking chickens" in order to make my chicken sandwich. No, I live wherever there's a bed willing to accept my weary head... and I drive to work and trudge onward. I try not to let all of the personal issues in my life consume my mind, but they eventually find a way to anger me. So I've got no house. I've got a baby coming soon. I've got no flood insurance, because the water had to be driven and had risen to biblical proportions in order to enter my house. I didn't even know I didn't have it, because it wasn't required for my mortgage. My house is already 4 feet above street level as it is... I thought flood insurance was for those poor bastards who had to replace their carpet once in a while after a severe rainstorm. In conclusion, Homeowners Policies are a joke. There is no reason there shouldn't be a one-all policy that protects against every kinda of destruction. Anyway, I spend way too much money on gas, because of high gas prices AND the fact that my job isn't just 15 miles away anymore (more like 150+ round-trip!). I try to play by the rules, but I face the threat of my perfect credit being ruined as well. And on top of all of that, each day I either hear no news or bad news. They will not build the levee protection higher and stronger. That's wise... so why the hell would anyone move back if the government doesn't want to protect them. Isn't that why we pay taxes all of these years? So that our government will protect us from unseen harm? What kind of sadistic democracy would hand out a tax break incentive for buying a house and investing into America, then walk away after we've already bought into the "American dream". Is it just me, or am I and thousands of others just royally screwed? I can't stand the political machine that governs this society as it is.. and then it hits home.. becomes personal.. and we all become victims of governmental neglect. No one wants to take the blame for the disaster's results... not the corps of engineers.. not the insurance companies, not the mortgage companies, not the local, state, nor federal government. And the only ones who suffer.. financially and emotionally are the citizens.. and the businesses in which some of these people used to have. Is there any justice to be done? I hate to think of the priorities of everyone involved. Bush with his Iraqi project (waste of lives, time, and money). Governor Blank with her approval to spend nearly 45 million dollars on construction projects ranging from health labs and water wells to a sports complex and livestock facilities... none of which benefit the NEW ORLEANS METRO AREA. And don't be fooled by the attorneys who claim to want to help victims by filing class action suits against insurance companies or what not.. they're only in it to line their pockets. Hell, Mumphrey's Lawfirm in Chalmette had a similar deal, except if either they win or lose, they still want you to pay for legal services if you sign on... either way.. THEY WIN. So, St. Bernard, even your very own are cannibalistic opportunistic piranha... but you already knew that.. you need to look no further than your OWN Sheriff and government officials of whom after a census count and re-zoning, will all be out of a job. Money doesn't make the world go 'round... it's pure GREED. And true selflessness and good will are apparently a lie and a myth as far as Uncle Sam is concerned. The big foot of democracy just keeps kicking us down. I really don't mean to ramble on.. I'm probably not even conveying my feelings efficiently onto this paragraph... but maybe I'll feel better just for having gotten some of it out of me.

Posted by Reese at 3:16 PM

October 21, 2005

Sometimes this shit just writes itself...

Elderly man drives with body in windshield
Florida (Go figure!) - 93-year-old Ralph Parker fatally struck a pedestrian and then drove for three more miles with the man's body hanging through his windshield. He was later stopped after he drove through a tollbooth and the toll taker called police. They say that he may not face any charges because of having dementia and not realizing anything he'd done. The victim's leg was severed in the Wednesday night crash, police said. The man, whose name was not released, was 52. Parker had renewed his license in 2003.

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Is this really new NEWS per se? Not exactly.. for I wrote a story about this before... ironically, it took place in Florida as well. It's really one of those funny/sad type things and something that should be addressed in the US. Here is the previous article:

Some old lady, about 81 years old, found a way to hit her husband, the car lot salesman, another parked car, a tree, and a wall... all during her initial steps towards a test drive. Scary shit! Was this in Florida? You betcha! I recently saw a funny episode of Southpark in which the old people driving were considered roadside reapers, causing deaths and not even realizing it. I've always said that the proper way to solve these problems is to give a test to every citizen re-applying for driver's license renewal, regardless of their age. Why? This way it's not age discrimination, it's just a test to see if you have the required hand/eye coordination, proper reaction time, comprehension of the road rules, and understanding on how to operate a motor vehicle. Sometimes I see an old lady, barely peering over the steering wheel, going about half of the speed limit... is this because normal speeds are too fast to react to? The interstate is not a place for pussies or slow asses... and the road all-together is no place for those not qualified to drive safely. The problem with driving is that we are all at the mercy of the others on the road... that said, it would be nice if we had better roads, like an autobahn type interstate...that would be ideal, but this is America, so don't count on it happening. It is probably pretty damn inconsiderate to get onto the interstate and move the far left lane and go slower than people in the other lanes are going, but that's every asshole's prerogative and that's life, right? And will someone tell me if it is really LEGAL for a dump truck full of rocks to not be liable and responsible for spewing debris all over the interstate? Isn't that littering anyway? If I throw rocks out of my window or strap on a used kitty litter box to the roof, is that ok? As long as I have a sign saying to stay 500 feet back and that I'm not responsible for damage to your car or worse? What vehicle has the legal rights to over 500 feet of road-space anyway? And EVEN if you do remain 500 feet back, that doesn't make you any safer.. rocks bounce and bounce until they hit something.. the truck can be three lanes over and 1000 feet in front of you, and you could get smacked. I doubt that it is legal for I am sure I'd get pulled over if I had a trunk full of marbles, rocks, dildos, and wrenches and the trunk was open and they were flying and bouncing behind my little Ford Focus. Sometimes, they have tarps covering the load. The tarps on those trucks hardly do shit anyway, for the rocks find a way out as the truck bounces, hits holes, or just takes turns. In conclusion, these are just two more small pieces of America that truly suck and need some.. um.. resolve.

Question of the Day: If this were to have happened in New Orleans, would the offending senior have been given a beating for his negligent homicide by the NOPD? You make the call!

Posted by Reese at 1:29 PM

October 20, 2005

Reese's Keys To Weight Loss: Move More - Eat Less

No more can you blame Burger King for your fat ass. Thanks to congress's new "Cheeseburger" bill! While I endorse the spirit in which the bill stands for, I find it disturbing that we should be forced to pass such a thing because there are judges out there who would actually award money to "victims" who couldn't help themselves from helping themselves so often. We have too many redundant laws in this country and I'm pretty sure that the real issue should be stopping rogue judges from making outrageous rulings such as these. No more should you be able to sue Frito-Lay for choking on a rold gold pretzel than you should be able to sue KFC for a massive coronary for slurping the grease from the bottom of the chicken bucket each day for a year straight. But, if we must, we must... and so this bill may be a step in a good direction, regardless.

"As one judge put it, if a person knows or should know that eating copious orders of super-sized McDonald's products is unhealthy and could result in weight gain, it is not the place of the law to protect them from their own excesses," said Rep. James Sensenbrenner, R-Wisconsin, chairman of the House Judiciary Committee.

Good point. I find that Spicolli may be right in that Wisconsin congressmen seem to make logical sense more often than the other 49 states. So what kind of logic could someone spew to oppose such a bill? Read on:

"Congress has allowed the need of big corporations before the need of our children," said Rep. Bob Filner, D-California.

Does this make any sense as a valid argument? Our children? Who's responsible for the children in the first place? Wouldn't causing a health risk to your child already be covered under Child Abuse laws? Ridiculous and illogical, Mr. Bob Filner.

Now let's ponder for a moment the possibility that the fast food corporations ARE responsible for certain people's uncontrollable urge to gorge themselves straight to a triple by-pass. Burger King, for example, may be using tactics that need to be investigated. I mean those new commercials are pretty darn creepy (and somewhat cool) with that "King" lurking about and practically stalking hungry victims with and eggnormous omelet sandwich, however you don't see the King holding a gun to their heads and forcing them to gobble down a triple whopper with cheese, fries, and large shake. In other BK commercials (played later at night) you can witness a dark hard metal band dressed up with chicken masks on their heads rocking out... also, there's the one with Darius Rucker (lead singer of Hootie & The Blowfish) singing a melodic tune. Are they using subliminal tactics to brainwash us into eating that cholesterol ridden hand-held pieces of scrumptious delights? Did Dave Thomas dance a gig to put customers into a hypnotic food-frenzy trance? Is it a global consipracy to show the Aqua Teen Hunger Force, which practically promotes junk food during the entire duration of the show? The answer is NO, and although it's a free country and you can kill yourself slowly (not quickly as in the 'Kevorkian way')... don't come begging Uncle Sam's Judicial Branch to help prove that the blame lies elsewhere in hopes of getting a handout... because it only lies with yourself.

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Maybe it's just the "New Orleans" in me, but he sure does remind me of Mardi Gras!

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"Go McFuck yourself!" Said Mayor McCheese to the plus-sized media personnel on hand.

Posted by Reese at 9:24 AM

October 17, 2005

Royal Order Of The Blue Roof Society

What my weekend was and wound up being was quite long and eventful. It was bittersweet, of course as 2 good friends of mine came down from out of state and 2 others came from out of town to either hang out, check out our hometown destruction, or both. To keep it simple, I'll refer to these friends by initials and such. It started when friend "C" came to town Friday. We made our way to the Parish of St. Bernard after lunch. We visited a few of his family member's homes before heading to his grandmother's place, where he had some stuff. Old toys and a lot of memorable things were in the attic. The rest of the house was filled with water, but it apparently was just inches from the attic. All of his baseball cards were destroyed along with the house itself. We kept our spirits up as we traveled down the road to see how our former residences made out. Things were pretty much just as bad in Poydras. We called it a day and after a shower in Metairie, headed downtown then uptown to meet our other friends. In all it was friend C, A, Cy, Caleb, and JB. I haven't seen any of them in a while. We had all levels of law enforcement represented. Local, State, and Federal. I felt like the odd man out just a little bit, but I know that it's not my calling, or I'd have shown an interest in it back when my dad was a cop. A little hanging out, drinking, and conversation made for a fun night. Lots of joking around, laughter, and relaxing. I honestly wish I could convey the jokes and fun that we had on Friday and Saturday night here, but it'd be impossible... it's one of those you-had-to-be-there things. When we get together, it's like time stops and it's ten years ago all over again. The personalities of these guys are pretty much the same as they ever were. Kinda weird, considering I feel like a completely different guy than I was back then, but I bet we all do, yet the core of who we are is solidly consistent. Saturday was more of the same (except for the part where me and C went to Baton Rouge to make sure Jess was ok).. visiting homes and salvaging personal and family artifacts and then hanging out at night. Sunday morning we all ate lunch and got a complimentary meal. Sunday evening, me and Jess went to eat and see a movie: "A history of violence". It had Ed Harris in it, so not ALL of the acting could have been bad. The movie has a great combination of Sex and Violence. Not gory, morbid, or sleazy, but realistic. It had a good premise and showed promise having good ideas and uniqueness in the film. I'd recommend it for anyone who's not a prude and likes a little action/suspense/mystery.

My apologies to Byron, Beck, and J-Pop.. I should have invited you guys out as well, even if you couldn't have made it.

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Royal Order Of The Blue Roof Society Volunteers ... you're my boy blue!

Posted by Reese at 11:35 AM

October 15, 2005

Back to New Orleans Part 1

OK OK OK I know it's taken me longer to write about it than to drive from New Orleans to Green Bay. I've got an abcese on my gums the size of a small marble and my chin has swollen to Leno proportions.

I left on Tuesday from Green Bay at 6:30 AM arriving in Minneapolis at 7:45 with enough time for a large overpriced breakfast plate, a large overpriced beer and a large overpriced shot of Crown Royal. Thus fortified I was ready for whatever surprises the Big Easy had for me.

I get to the terminal and hop into a White Fleet cab with an eastern European driver. I had to go to the Clearview Mall Avis to pick up a car. As with the Green Bay Enterprise I was given a free upgrade, in this case to a spacious Town & Country. I went back to my apartment first. The complex was very different. A few of the trees out front were no longer there. The fence around the complex was flattened and the parking spaces around the complex were covered in debris. The first floor apartments, Kimmy told me, flooded and were being cleared to prevent mold damage.

My second story apartment was fine though, a bit of a musty smell, but it was much as I left it, better actually: Before the storm Kimmy had hired a maid to clean it out to thank me for letting her use my car. I set down my bag and turned on the AC as the apartment was kinda musty. I did a little packing then thought about what I should be doing. I loaded up my camera and took a walk down to Kajan Embroidery home of Carmen Casanova's alteration business. Before the storm I dropped off some pants that had friction holes in the crotch. I had paid forty bucks for what would probably be like a hundred dollars worth of pants new. I know it's crazy that this errand had such a high priority.

I walked down Vets and saw that there were some tents pitched in the parking lot of the Pets'R'Us next to my apartment. There was a sign for a security company near a trailer in the little village. A vehicle from the security company drove in to one of the entrances to the lot ahead of me. I continued on and found more piles of debris, but also lots of signs touting open businesses, open

I had tried to call her from the airport, but either it was too early or I had too many cocktailsI called the guy who towed my car away to ask where he took it. It was at the Progressive Catastrophe site by the airport at the end of Industry Road. I located this on the map and hookup-map.gif

Posted by Spicolli at 4:29 PM

October 14, 2005

Looter Caught on Tape!!

In an unprecedented Provocative Planet exclusive, we have the only copy of footage of a New Orleans looter in action tearing up someone else's property. Just look into his beady eyes, his smug grin, his "FU" posture! I tell you, this tragedy transcends all boundries of ruthlessness and apathy! Just take a look for yourself: EXCLUSIVE VIDEO

Posted by Reese at 9:07 AM

October 12, 2005

Spicolli Returns!

Now, I'm sure that he will write his own entry on his return to the Big Easy, but I should tell my rendition of the tale first. That's right, Spicolli returns! And he's brought along a recovery plan of his own! I came into work yesterday, after picking up my car from the dealership, and awaited his arrival after work. We took a ride in his rented out minivan toward New Orleans. The sight of lakeview was like night and day compared to Metairie. We drove around gasping at scenes that wreaked of death before heading to the French Quarter. The water lines clearly visible. The stench of stale and stagnation. The mounds of debris. In there quarter, I knew there was water and power. Also, it was hardly affected by the storm, so for reasons of nostalgia and hunger we decided to go there. A few beers in familiar bars and some Jambalaya made for a surreal visit to a pretty ghostly (compared to normal) French Quarter. One personal highlight from the venture was hitting a pigeon from 8 feet away with chewing gum that I pulled from my mouth. Besides that, it was nice to see a part of the city that looked pretty much in-tact.. abet the missing crowds and the occasional refrigerator set out on the front sidewalk. It was also good to see Spicolli again... he's become a local celebrity back in his hometown as a survivor of the perils of pre AND post hurricane Katrina-ravaged New Orleans.

Posted by Reese at 11:41 AM

October 9, 2005

2000 Ford Focus UPDATE!

Yes folks.. back faster than you probably thought. I have yet another 2000 Ford Focus issue. What? You don't remember my past issues? Read This.... then understand wher I'm coming from. Now this time, I was driving along at around 20 MPH, when suddenly I hear a rattle tattle tinkle under the hood. My steering got tough and the battery light came on. Obviously the belt was not turning the alternator, AC, nor the power steering. I pull over and observe the contents of my POS. Behold! One of the pulleys looked slightly askew. Apparently the tension pulley broke. Now, it's not like I've ever heard of this breaking on a car that's over 20 years old, much less under 5, but the 2000 Ford Focus was specifically designed to amaze. Engineered to wow and stun! Shock and awe! It does all that, Mr. Ford, oh yes! Unfortunately, it's all negative. So, I proceed to call the Ford Roadside Assistance, which comes with my PremiumCare Extended warranty (which runs out at 100K miles or July 2006, whichever comes first.) I then find myself waiting for over 2 hours before a tow-truck arrives. Luckily it was a nice day.. and fortunately, I broke down in front of a daiquiri shop. The kind people at ALL-STAR Ford in Prairieville, LA took my car in and called to inform me that the part was not in stock and they'd have to order it for maybe Monday or Tuesday. So here I sit... car-less.. house-less... and bored... awaiting that sweet resolve which may never come.

Posted by Reese at 3:23 PM

October 7, 2005

Cheer up Coulter!

I don't understand what all the Right Wingnuts don't like about Harriet Miers. I've heard its because she went to SMU or she was the Head of the Lottery Commission or she is a crony or she has no judicial experience or she has no paper trail. But really her limited resume is a silent testament to the Modern Conservative's judicial philosophy: The Supreme Court is not a place where the common good should even be considered. Miers was right at the epicenter of all of the questionable shit that's gone down in the Bush White House. The August 6 PDB, the USA PATRIOT ACT, the torture, the WMD bullshit, the whole Iraq war, the secrecy, the defanging of the regulatory agencies, the faith-based initiatives, the taxpayer funded propaganda, the Rube Goldberg reorganization of executive. Not a lot of public good there, and she's with the whole program: she's the one who's been keeping them out of jail for this crap. Wingnuts have been spending the last five years touting how great all of this crap was, now they have a chance to catapult it into the next twenty years of juriprudence. You'd think they'd be happy.

Posted by Spicolli at 5:46 PM

October 4, 2005

Residential Purgatory

Each day rolls on by, and I remain in limbo. It's like a residential purgatory. I sit here at my office in Metairie looking forward to some resolve. Mmmmm, man I sure could use some tasty resolve right about now! Maybe my good neighbors at State Farm will whip me up a batch.. maybe my good buddies at FEMA will. Either way, no matter how it's prepared or who's serving it... delicious resolve (with just a dash of A-1 sauce) is always welcome on my plate.

So we've got a new Supreme Court Justice eh? Now we've got another Bush nominated individual. I don't know all of her credentials, nor do I remember her name, but the moment I read that she'd never been a judge before, I thought for a moment that it just might be a huge slap in the face for all female judges who already exist and who obviously have not been nominated nor possibly even considered for nomination (And I'm not just talking about Judge Judy!). I tell you people.. you have to watch out for that guy. That Bush is a trickster! Picking someone from Texas who was an avid smoke blower up Bush's arse! Nice try Dubya...

The REAL Truth!
Now, you know how the media sure can spin a good story.. boy those crafty writers of contradiction, vagueness, and paradox-like logic. Lucky for you guys who read Provocative Planet, you're going to get a the TRUTH! That's right, my sources have given me the top 12 headlines that were blacklisted from the mainstream to prevent negativity that could possibly threaten the morale of those involved in the reconstruction of the New Orleans area. I don't have the full articles, but, well.. just see for yourself:

1. With election time looming, St. Bernard Parish's only residents remain poised to vote themselves back into office.

2. Having lost many native New Orleaneans due to disbursement, Jesse Jackson and FEMA have teamed up for operation "Dark Roots" in which they will pilot a Carnival Cruise Ship down to Africa in an attempt to 'replenish' the supply of New Orleans's missing soulful-type citizens.

3. The Red Cross has changed their relief hot-line to 1-800-NOT-BUSY in order to subliminally boost their public image.

4. New Orleans' First Annual Turd Race Festival began Friday as crowds gathered around to watch raw sewerage get dumped directly into the Mississippi River. Local celebrity Aaron Neville was on-hand to pinch the first loaf.

5. Former NOPD Chief Eddie Compass admits that his requested plea to FEMA for 1500 boxes of assorted donuts was "too little, too late" as nearly one-third of his officers went AWOL after supplies ran dry.

6. The makers of 2000 Flushes are buying the naming rights to the Louisiana Superdome. They have also agreed to help clean the feces and urine left behind by 'victims' of Hurricane Katrina using "methods they are familiar with".

7. A confused George W. Bush announced Saturday morning that the New Orleans Constitution would soon be ratified within the next few days and help to spread democracy over southeast Louisiana.

8. A local man has said that his State Farm agent not only denied his flood insurance claim but also had sex with his wife and was 'not being a very good neighbor at all'.

9. Bush was said to have been crying after witnessing the devastation in Chalmette screaming "It's all gone! My precious oil refineries... gone!!!"

10. In order to verify their residency, each returning New Orleans citizen was asked "where they got their shoe's at?"

11. National Guard sports new "Rubble" camouflage as they trot through New Orleans.

12. FEMA relocates homeless man to Golden Gate Bridge while the St. Claude Bridge is being repaired.

*** UPDATE 10-10-05 ***

I can't lie.. my attention has been pretty diverted from what is going on in the world this past month. I try to keep up, but my personal agenda keeps getting in the way. Can't blame me, for I've got housing issues and such. But today, I happened to stumble upon an interview with Jesse Jackson on WWL 870AM. He is reversing the Underground Railroad. Gathering up Americans (those of the darker variety) and hauling them from the north to south Louisiana to work as contracted employees for "the man". Now, I know he loves the press, and he kept just a talking away about this and that and how people who like him may be getting screwed. The thing is, I heard Mayor Nagin say the same exact thing a few days ago about gathering up locals to work in New Orleans. So, if the Mayor has this all under control, then why is Jesse Jackson undermining him to promote himself and possibly his cause? Either way, I thought it was funny because I wrote my headline above (#2).

Posted by Reese at 2:58 PM