October 20, 2005

Reese's Keys To Weight Loss: Move More - Eat Less

No more can you blame Burger King for your fat ass. Thanks to congress's new "Cheeseburger" bill! While I endorse the spirit in which the bill stands for, I find it disturbing that we should be forced to pass such a thing because there are judges out there who would actually award money to "victims" who couldn't help themselves from helping themselves so often. We have too many redundant laws in this country and I'm pretty sure that the real issue should be stopping rogue judges from making outrageous rulings such as these. No more should you be able to sue Frito-Lay for choking on a rold gold pretzel than you should be able to sue KFC for a massive coronary for slurping the grease from the bottom of the chicken bucket each day for a year straight. But, if we must, we must... and so this bill may be a step in a good direction, regardless.

"As one judge put it, if a person knows or should know that eating copious orders of super-sized McDonald's products is unhealthy and could result in weight gain, it is not the place of the law to protect them from their own excesses," said Rep. James Sensenbrenner, R-Wisconsin, chairman of the House Judiciary Committee.

Good point. I find that Spicolli may be right in that Wisconsin congressmen seem to make logical sense more often than the other 49 states. So what kind of logic could someone spew to oppose such a bill? Read on:

"Congress has allowed the need of big corporations before the need of our children," said Rep. Bob Filner, D-California.

Does this make any sense as a valid argument? Our children? Who's responsible for the children in the first place? Wouldn't causing a health risk to your child already be covered under Child Abuse laws? Ridiculous and illogical, Mr. Bob Filner.

Now let's ponder for a moment the possibility that the fast food corporations ARE responsible for certain people's uncontrollable urge to gorge themselves straight to a triple by-pass. Burger King, for example, may be using tactics that need to be investigated. I mean those new commercials are pretty darn creepy (and somewhat cool) with that "King" lurking about and practically stalking hungry victims with and eggnormous omelet sandwich, however you don't see the King holding a gun to their heads and forcing them to gobble down a triple whopper with cheese, fries, and large shake. In other BK commercials (played later at night) you can witness a dark hard metal band dressed up with chicken masks on their heads rocking out... also, there's the one with Darius Rucker (lead singer of Hootie & The Blowfish) singing a melodic tune. Are they using subliminal tactics to brainwash us into eating that cholesterol ridden hand-held pieces of scrumptious delights? Did Dave Thomas dance a gig to put customers into a hypnotic food-frenzy trance? Is it a global consipracy to show the Aqua Teen Hunger Force, which practically promotes junk food during the entire duration of the show? The answer is NO, and although it's a free country and you can kill yourself slowly (not quickly as in the 'Kevorkian way')... don't come begging Uncle Sam's Judicial Branch to help prove that the blame lies elsewhere in hopes of getting a handout... because it only lies with yourself.

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Maybe it's just the "New Orleans" in me, but he sure does remind me of Mardi Gras!

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"Go McFuck yourself!" Said Mayor McCheese to the plus-sized media personnel on hand.

Posted by Reese at October 20, 2005 9:24 AM